Good news

It has been a year of struggles. None of which had to do with alcohol.
In the end, all is good!

Run & hide

I took a drank and kept it up for hours, sometimes days. I wanted no part of my life.

Going nowhere

As a drunk I got nowhere quick. I was never able to get ahead because I hid behind the bottle.

Be not afraid

Be not afraid! We only have to conquer the first drink. Recovery is nowhere near as tough as constant drunkenness.

The view

The view from above the influence is quite breathtaking.

Formula

Think a little, pray a lot, laugh when you can and never again take a drink!

Biggest loser

You drink, you drive and eventually somebody loses.

The end

Drinking ends the moment you decide. It is a decision that can never be forced upon you.
The sooner you decide the quicker the misery comes to an end.

Drink!

I did not reach for my first drink. It found me by accident. An innocent encounter with an unknown. Early adolescence, skewed emotions and dangerous compulsions.
I was born an alcoholic. That first drink just confirmed it.

Gods grace

Gods grace is the people He places in our life when we need them most.

What was I thinking?

I wasn't. I was only focused on drinking, getting drunk and staying drunk.

Just a reminder

Two of my books will be available for free digital download the remainder of 2012. Please visit...
www.jaykolo.com/news/html

Empty bottle

I reached for the bottle in hopes of realizing my dreams. All that ever poured out was shame.

Mother

My mother unfortunately felt the brunt of my drinking. I was mean, obnoxious, irresponsible and for a time I loved alcohol more than my own mother.

Gotta have it

I'm dying for a drink. Years later I'm just dying.

New Year's Eve

New Year's Eve for me used to be a drunken disgrace. I was normally passed out long before midnight.
Now I have a blast at home with my wife and kids. And I usually am up and in the gym by 7am New Years morning.

I drank

I drank because after awhile it was all I knew. Chaos, depression, remorse and pennilessness seemed perfectly normal. When you drink to excess there is no such thing as normal.

Darkness

The darkest night I ever spent was being hungover on a sunny summer afternoon.

I live

I live, I learn, I no longer drink. I grow and love in spite of how I used to be. Nothing compares to God's incredible grace.

I'm sick

I'm sick, but as long as I'm sober I'm getting better and better everyday.

My books

Two if my books designed to enlighten and inspire will be available for free download until the end of 2012.
Please visit...
www.jaykolo.com/news.html

2013

I pray that those of you who need sobriety the most find a way to start 2013 in a sober manner.

Equals

We're all equals here. Some of us just struggle to stay away from that first drink. When the desire to drink is no longer present limits do not exist.

In my heart

When I was in recovery I gave God a chance not because of how it made sense in my mind, but how it made sense, in my heart

From me to you

For the remainder of 2012 I am offering free downloads of two of my books. "The Terminal Game" & "The Seldom Visited Side" are now available for no cost at
www.jaykolo.com/news.html

The power of two or more

I have overcome much. Little have I overcome on my own.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to you all! May peace, joy and hope be with you this holiday season.

Blind & deaf

I drank to excess and became emotionally blind & deaf to the self destruction that was slowly crippling my will, desires, dreams and spirit.

Drinking and driving

I did it over a thousand times. To often I did it while in complete blackout. Even today I still live with the shame that I had so much arrogance and so little disregard for human life.

Drinking humor

One of my many past drinking habits was that I seldom bought:)

Me first

Drinking was a me first based lifestyle. Sobriety has slowly turned me into a what can I do for you type of guy.

No drama

Living without drama was the hardest part of early sobriety. I had been used to rocking the boat for so long that the tranquil waters of an alcohol free life made me a bit uncomfortable.

Tracking Santa

I am tracking Santa at
www.noradsanta.org
Being sober never felt this good!!

God is love

God is love and those who love you can and will lead you to the sober land.

Now what

After struggling to stay away from alcohol for the first 365 days I asked myself the question "now what?
The answer was stay sober, pray, be myself and do whatever I could do for others.
That proved more than enough to keep me sober for another 16 years and counting.

So many people

So many people, so little time, so much alcohol, so much misery

Far away

When I drank I was so far away from the truth that alcohol became my only reality.

Friends

When we are born our friends are near or soon to be. Those who can save us wait patiently as we stumble to come to God.

Spirit

The human spirit is stronger than any addiction on earth. Healing begins the moment you allow others to see what you are afraid to look at.

Who we are

For the dark days past and the hope of light to come may we always have something in common.

I drank alone

I drank alone but I got sober because of so many incredible people that I let inside.

Our paths cross

The people that God placed in my path early in my recovery made it possible for me to be in your path now.

So very busy

I have been so very busy with family matters, Christmas cheer and my January contribution to Serene scene magazine.
It's all good and it all revolves around the power of sobriety.

I found sobriety

I found sobriety in recovery. I invited God into my life. I asked Him to remove from me that nasty desire to constantly drink. I prayed daily. I helped others in whatever way I could (even if it was just a smile or holding the door). And finally I surrounded myself with people who were sober.

I see

I see a beautiful wife, smiling little faces and a cute puppy wagging its tail and I know this is not a house under the influence.
It all changes when the bottle disappears.

I'm surrounded

When I drank I was completely alone (even in the middle of a crowd). The isolation was painful and further fueled my wild relationship with alcohol.
In recovery I was surrounded by people who cared and showed great concern for my future and well-being.
I am convinced that God placed key people in my life at specific moments.

That first drink

My first drink at the age of thirteen was indescribable. For the next twenty years each and every drink I took was miserable and with it came brutal remorse.

It's time

It's time to stop thinking and start doing. It's time to stop talking and start walking. There are two ways to go. Towards that first drink or towards sobriety.

If I can, you can too!

I can is something I learned in treatment. I can't for too long had been the norm.

Tough times

Tough times have been knocking at my door recently. The temptation to drink however has been absent. With the support of others and clear sober thinking I know that tough times never last that long.

Recovery

Recovery is the most painful place on earth where an alcoholic can begin to feel better.

Without hope

A man without hope is usually a man with a drink in his hand.

My current thought

"This too shall pass" is all I can think about lately. I feel God is preparing me for something and He is going about it in a bruising way.

Sickened

I am sickened by who I used to be and grateful about what I've become.

Live and learn

These two things are nearly impossible for a drunk to master.

Not so difficult

Difficult times are not as difficult when you have the love and support of others. There is no love or support to be found when alcohol is your master.

Love

I never felt loved until I began to love myself. That did not happen until I stopped loving the bottle.

Never again I pray

If I drank I would quickly find my way back to a place that is all to familiar and better to be forgotten.

My path

Those who were placed in my path during my recovery pointed me directly towards sobriety.

Thank you!

Sometimes I am amazed at the kindness and goodwill of others.
Thank you for helping by allowing me to help you.

My toughest days

My toughest days as an alcoholic were the times I experienced painful remorse. Alcohol caused me to do and say many terrible things. When the buzz wore off I saw wreckage of my drunkenness.

Restless

I roamed and wandered continuously when I drank. My restless soul missed out on so much.

My past

The wreckage of my past remains a part of who I am. My future however is sober and offers hope to many others looking to rebuild their lives and for that I am forever grateful.

The struggle

You bet I still struggle. And one thing I have learned how to do as I struggle is stay sober!

I ran

I ran so far away that I got lost and I made the mistake of trusting alcohol to get me back.

So much in common

I have so much in common with many of you. The only thing that separates you and me is one drink. Actually, the first drink to be more exact.
Give up that first drink and the possibilities become endless

Paralyzed

Alcohol was a ball & chain that I learned to live with and eventually adore. Until one day when I could move no more.

Bully

Alcohol bullied me when I was young. When I began to grow older alcohol became my master. I knew better than to let alcohol get the best of me. But I am an alcoholic and knowing better is no match for alcohol.
God and the wonderful people he placed in my path turned out to be all I would ever need to conquer my demons.

17 years!

17 years sober and giving all the glory to God!

Existence

"Good morning to a world in which I no longer belong".
This is what I said the day I decided to let alcohol take away my existence.
For some of us, alcohol takes away our existence when we have our very first drink.

Prayer

I experience peace and joy in direct proportion to the amount I pray and serve others.

Problem

I had a problem and I drank to make it go away. It went away for awhile, and when it came back it brought about 30 more problems along.

Sobriety

Sobriety is often imitated and needs to be duplicated.

Good morning?

I used to say good morning to the bottle or a beer. Now I say good morning to God, family, friends and the gym.

Connection

This life is definitely connected to something more. And whatever comes along I want to be a sober participant when it happens.

Big problem

I was aware for a long time that I had a big problem yet I was not ready, willing or able to do anything about it.

Nuts and bolts

Prayer is what gets it going, and it is what holds everything together, when it all seems to be falling apart.

Do it!

Do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, as long as it takes you away from alcohol!

Home

Drunkenness, I've been there. Sobriety is where I live now.

Faith

I'm running on nothing but faith up here in Wisconsin and its long past due. More to be revealed!

Alone

If you think you can't sober up alone you are right. Minutes before taking my own life I shouted out to God. Within hours he placed a small army of people in my path who gave me the strength, courage and wisdom to get where I am today. If you ask for God's help in sobering up He will see to it that you never have to go through it alone.

Grace

I am not half the man I claim to be. I tip my hat to God! For His grace has kept me alive and given me hope.

So imperfect

So imperfect am I that my finest thoughts seem to push me into chaos. Sobriety has been kinder to me than I have been to myself.
Hoping to do more of Gods work than my own. I have a purpose in this life and that purpose is unknown to me.

Far from perfect

I am far from perfect even after 17 years without a drink. I may anger, ignite and irritate a great many around me. But at the end of the day if I can lay my head down without a drink I have another day to smooth out the rough edges

Absolutely nothing!

Periods of homelessness. Having absolutely nothing, because I gave it all to alcohol. That was the worst part of being a drunk.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wonder what it must be like to have a drink or two and walk away completely satisfied.

Untimely death

I have personally known several people who have died from out of control drinking but, I have never known anyone who died from sobriety.

It's 2am

It's 2am and I can't find my next drink. I am burning with fear and my mind is racing. Racing to a place were fear, lack, homelessness and even suicide exist. I need a drink to quiet my thoughts. I need to dry out to find out again who it is I really am.

Interference

He stands in my way when I reach out to others. My philosophy is to give to you what was given to me.

Christmas

All I want for Christmas is for you to be sober.

Darkness

One day alcohol turned off the lights and I was completely in the dark. All I could see was years of failure. That is when I sensed that death was near. And yet I still craved a drink. The insanity of my drinking owned me!

Remorse

Remorse is all that remained the day after I would surrender to the bottle. Remorse is what nearly killed me. The bottle beat me up and remorse was its weapon of choice.

Faith

Faith without sobriety is a constant battle of hopelessness and remorse.

I'll say it again

Pray early, pray often!!
Prayer is personal, powerful and life changing.

Permanent

Sobriety needs to be as permanent as alcoholism itself.

Hard stuff

Trying to find sobriety on your own is like trying to find more alcohol after 4am!

Glamour-less

Sobriety is not fun. Sobriety is not glamorous. Sobriety is not popular and sobriety is not easy. But for a certain percentage of us sobriety is necessary!

A time to adjust

I was born sober and I will die sober and with Gods help I will make the necessary adjustments in between.

The sober life

Faith and tolerance. Two things that are tested long after the bottle is gone.

Shameful

My most shameful moments as a drunk were spent behind the wheel of a car. Drinking, driving and the month of December were a bad mix for me. The holidays were a big excuse for me to drink beyond excess and drive in blackout conditions. I am grateful to have never killed anyone or myself throughout the 1000 plus times I drove drunk.
If you must drink this holiday season please don't drive!

Out of sight

Little can be accomplished in life until the bottle is completely out of sight.

Mornings remorse

Mornings remorse could easily be remedied with a few drinks. And that is when I first realized how bad my drinking had become.

A desperate situation

'A desperate situation that one day got worse'
This is how I would describe my very first drink.

More than enough

Some days are just plain tough!  During those days I would remember, that if, at the end of the day I  hadn't taken a drink, the day itself was a success.  Sometimes just not drinking is more than enough !

Time

Drinking takes away time. Sobriety takes time.

Without sobriety

Without sobriety I end up a dismal statistic and a tear in the eye of a loved one.  That just ain't gonna happen.

More than enough

I am about ready to turn it all over to God. My best decisions have got me where I am today. I need to be where God wants me not where I think I need to be. His grace and blessings have always been more than enough.

Who am I?

Nice to meet me said I. About a year after I quit drinking I had the courage and clarity to get to know myself. That was the toughest part of recovery. It is also the reason I am still enjoying sobriety seventeen years later.
The bottle has a habit of keeping us in the dark about everything.

Swagger

A little swagger goes a long way. However, that 'way' is usually the wrong direction.  My mouth and poor judgement can no longer be blamed on heavy drinking. Sobriety is a great way to live but it is certainly not a cure all. Maybe I'm not as perfect as I think.

Thankful

Extremely thankful for sobriety and having no desire what so ever to take a drink. Everything else just seems to fall in place when alcohol is no longer around.

Serene Scene

My monthly article contribution for November can been seen at...
www.serenescenemagazine.com

Everything is better sober

Being down and out isn't as bad when your sober.

Danger

Thinking about drinking is the last step before the first drink.

How it is

For me recovery and Alcoholics Anonymous were temporary.  Sobriety was the only thing I was trying to make a permanent part of my life.

Desire no more

I can now walk away from what it was that I use to run to!

Amazing

My wife has the most amazing ability to have a drink or two and walk away.  As long as I live I will never no what that feels like.

Regrets?

I have no regrets other than not sobering up sooner!

Taking responsibility

It's okay to be a drunk.  It's okay to be an alcoholic, but it's a crime when we ignore our addiction and fail to seek help or treatment.

The fix

I have a sickness which can never be cured but it can be understood and overcome.

First light

For years mornings remorse blinded me from the beauty of a sunrise.

For mom

The prayers of a wonderful mother are sometimes all us drunks have.  But often times that is all we need.

Clueless

I didn't know what I was doing when I drank and that is why I continued drinking.

The wanderer

I wandered physically, spiritually and emotionally when I drank.  I knew deep down that somewhere, something better existed and I needed to find it if I were going to survive.

Twisted logic

Drunkenness is the best way to overcome peace and serenity.

A whole new world awaits

I now have problems in areas that did not even exist when I drank.

Same old

I am, who I am, except now, I have a bucket full of coping skills that take the place of all that drunkenness.

Remorse

I drank in the darkness of the night, slept during the sun of the day and wept in between.  

Holiday time

Drunkenness never takes a holiday.  I lost so many good times and memorable moments because my desire to drink was far greater than my desire to spend time with God, family and friends.

My ritual

As far as religion, church, psychiatry and medication are concerned the verdict is still out.  What really saved me and sobered me up was my personal relationship with God.  I developed that relationship with daily prayer.

Pray early, pray often has always been my motto!

Alcohol abuse

Nobody ever treated me as badly as alcohol.  And because I am an alcoholic I let it have it's way with me and that was wrong!

A drink or two

What I thought would be a nice solution quickly became a major problem.

Problems

Alcohol is a product of a much bigger problem.  But over time alcohol becomes the biggest problem of all.

Darkness

Everybody's got a dark side and alcohol makes it even darker.

Bottom

A moment so terrifying that I opened my eyes and saw what it was that I had been doing to myself longer than I could even remember.

How hard

The longer you wait the harder it becomes and nothing is harder than dying a drunk.

A place I cannot fully desribe

And at my worst moment I pleaded with God to remove the desire to drink!  And so it was that I was taken to a place on the inside that I never knew existed.  A place where alcohol, addiction and hopelessness could not exist.  A place of peace, reason, strength and contentment.  A place where I am moved to tears of joy.  I have remained here for the past seventeen years and I hope to remain here the rest of my life.

What looms

If your craving a drink, a big drunk cannot be far behind.  Everything after that is just plain misery.

Nobody wins

I abused the bottle and in return it abused me.

The truth

Alcohol takes us away from the truth and introduces us to nothing but lies.

Good day

As long as I don't have a drink it's been a good day no matter what.

One drink

One drink might not hurt me but it could kill you!  If I ever touch another drink the possibility of me driving drunk is overwhelming.  I AM AN ALCOHOLIC THAT HAS NOT HAD A DRINK IN SEVENTEEN YEARS AND I NEED TO KEEP IT THAT WAY!!

Regrets

In my quest to help others overcome I shall forever regret that few, if any, allow my words into their hearts.  This is where the seeds of sobriety must be planted.

Never stop quitting

The best way to quit drinking is to never stop trying to quit.  Recovery is loaded with screw-ups, blunders and setbacks.  I went through treatment at least six times before I got it right.  If that's what it takes than so be it.  Sobriety is the permanent separation from alcohol, hopelessness and misery and that my friends takes time to achieve.

The sober side

Drunk, miserable and hopeless do not exist on the sober side of alcoholism.  

Dizzy

I was under the weather for a day because of severe dizziness.  A trip to the ER discovered I had nothing more than a inner ear infection.  Feeling better today and ready to get back down to business.
I was sitting in that waiting room thinking what a different situation it would be had I never put the bottle down.  Today, I am blessed and enjoy near perfect health! That would not be the case had I let alcohol continue to destroy me both physically and mentally.

Stop!

Stop the madness, seek help and find out what it's like to live life minus the misery of constant drunkenness.

Happy Halloween

The joy of Halloween and family is a true reflection of me having the courage to put the bottle down years ago.  So much to be thankful for, so many simple pleasures that did not exist when alcohol was in charge.

A sickness like no other

I was so low that I depended on alcohol just to lift me up enough where I could experience misery.  That seemed to be the best the bottle could offer me, yet I kept coming back for more.

The power of prayer

Prayer has lifted me up from the muck of temptation more times than I can remember.  My sobriety depends on it.

NOBODY!

Ain't got nobody waiting at home was the story of my life, when alcohol was king of the castle.

Back in time

Turning back the clock begins when we put down the bottle and allow God to take us back to where it was we were when we had our very first drink.

God is love

I will fight God every step of the way because my alcoholic mind attempts, on an unconscious level, to always make things difficult.  I will eventually surrender and find that God is love and so am I.

All is well, God is good.

The best part of each day is sobriety.  The worst part of each day is sobriety.  And the only way I can tell the difference between the two is the personal relationship I have with God.

I weep

I weep, when I think about others, who are now, what I once was.

ALCOHOLISM

Whether it was two drinks every night, or two cases every other Saturday, drinking was all that I ever thought about, and that my friends becomes the ISM of the ALCOHOL.

Sadness

Under the influence will always own two decades of my life.

Stay sober

As long as I don't take a drink I have a fighting chance at overcoming the insanity which constantly plagues me.

Personal relationship

My personal relationship with God is what keeps me sober.  That relationship did not happen overnight.

Alcoholics Anonymous

A.A is not the only way, but it is a good way to go through early recovery.  A.A. does not have to last forever, only sobriety does.  I went to A.A. faithfully for about the first three years.  After that, I took my new found coping skills and got reacquainted with main stream society. 

Pure bottom

Only when faced with death did I decided to give recovery an honest from the heart try.

A distant memory

I think about him often, even though I have not seen him in over 17 years.  When he finally put the bottle down I had a chance to emerge and I decided right then and there to never look back.

A painful cycle

It seemed that booze brought on fear and depression, and then, I would need that very same booze to chase the fear and depression away.

Lies

It's the lies that I told myself that kept me trapped in the cycle of addiction.

Desperation

I finally found the courage to quit when I was unable to get drunk anymore. Alcohol just quit working and I was forced to see myself as I truly was.

Nice to meet you

I had few friends, if I knew you, you were probably a fall down drunk too!

Shame

I lied to everyone I knew including myself.  That is something that will always shame me.

The drunk-o-log

I drove drunk from Minneapolis to Chicago without any memory of the trip.  This was not enough to make me seek treatment.  That is insanity!

The drunk-o-log

I once started drinking in Chicago and woke up the next morning in Atlanta.  This was not enough to make me want to seek help.  That is insanity!

Sad ending

To end myself would have allowed the pain of my alcoholism to live and torment others many years beyond my existence.

Unthinkable

Alcohol nearly convinced me to take my own life when I was 33 years old.  This is what happens when we allow alcohol to dominate the majority of our waking moments.

The way it used to be

One day I was startled to find myself looking out from the inside of a bottle.

The way it used to be

I clung to the bottle for over twenty years while misery beat me senseless.

The way it used to be

I lived in a place void of tomorrows because when I was under the influence tomorrow never came.

The way it used to be

Wandering without an emotional compass and the bottle was my only guide.

No reason

I didn't need a reason to drink...I AM AN ALCOHOLIC.  My mind is constantly inventing ways to sabotage all that is good and decent about me.

Dreams

If I had dreams they were unrealized back when the bottle was in charge.

How to...

How to get sober and stay sober!  That's what recovery is all about.

SURRENDER

Surrender to a new life and don't stop until your sober!!

In your head

Drunkenness is an illness and a bad habit.  Sobriety is a spiritual frame of mind.

Serene scene

My monthly article contribution can be found at  www.serenescenemagazine.com

Abnormal

I might not have drank everyday, but everyday I was thinking about drinking and trying hard not to go through with it.

Recovery

The more I cared about others the less of a desire I had to drink.  This was the beginning of my sobriety.  This is what recovery is all about.

Costly

I would have to estimate with great accuracy that during my two decades under the influence drinking easily cost me between $180,000 and $225,000!  That includes money spent at bars, lost wages, drunken driving charges and healthcare.  But the biggest expense is a loss of time.  I can't put a price on that.  I really do not remember the 1980's.  

Depression

I was much sicker emotionally than I ever was physically.  Alcohol fueled me as I tried to out run depression.

Pictures

Pictures on the wall of me as a child told a different story.  How had I become the person I was?  And was alcohol entirely to blame?

Problems

Without alcohol I still had some big problems.  But none so big as those I encountered while under the influence.

Who am I

I was a stranger to myself.  I was an actor, and alcohol was my director, and for too long I was putting on an unimaginable performance.

Hope

Hope was the first feeling I experienced when I turned my back on the bottle.

Always reeling

I could never get drunk enough and I could never get sober enough to know the difference.

Amends

For those who knew me when.  I'm glad you know me now.

So sober

Where had the drunk in me gone? I ponder this question all the time.

Honesty

Sobriety starts the moment we are honest with ourselves about our drinking, our current situation and our past.  Without honesty the desire to drink is just too overwhelming!

First drink

I remember little after the first drink.  After that first drink something eerie inside of me took over.  I guess it was the disease.  But whatever it was it made me a horrible human being.  I hated myself every moment but turned my back on what alcohol was doing to me.

A sad fact

Way too drunk to to ever desire anything better for myself.  This is how it was for a long, long time.

Always

I now believe I was an alcoholic long before I ever took my first drink.

Always about drinking

If I wasn't drinking I was thinking about drinking or I was trying to overcome a big night of drinking.  Drinking dominated the majority of my waking moments.

Pre-drunk

Sometimes I would get pre-drunk before I even hit the bars.  I would then drink for up to ten hours, sleep for a few, and then I would require a drink or two in order to get going in the morning.  That was what my life as an alcoholic was like for many years.  Sickening and methodical.

Recovery

The wreckage of my past could only be seen while in recovery.  It was a terrifying sight.

Keys

I found the keys to hell at the bottom of a bottle at age thirteen and embarked on a twenty year journey of misery.  Nothing short of Gods Grace saved me from a frightful ending.

Just dead

If I had not stopped drinking I would be dead today.  That would have been a tragedy ending up a statistic instead of a blessing.

12 ounces shy of glory

That first drink is what separates us from our full potential.

Time to live

Never free from sin, never without anxiety but a life lived without alcohol is worth living despite a few daily setbacks.

Guilt

Guilt that sticky residue from too many days drunk is a constant reminder of how awful a human being I used to be.  To those I offended I am truly sorry!  

The ghost

The ghost of many drunken days past still haunts me with guilt.  Thank God sobriety is always here to bail me out.

We must get sober!

Alcoholism swallows us up whole and traps us under the influence.  We have no choice but to drown in drunkenness.

Sit tight

From where I sit everything is wrong.  But then I realize I am sober and I figure I'm sitting pretty.

One day at a time

I didn't drink today.  That's been happening a lot the last seventeen years.  One day at a time sure adds up!

On my knee's

On my knee's in a moment of complete defeat and humility is where my sobriety was born.

Shame on me

I gave my life to alcohol and in return I got shame.

War!

A war broke out when I decided to put the bottle away permanently.  The battlefield was called RECOVERY!

Not a life

For too long I wandered with a beer in my hand never sure where I was going and clueless to where I had been.

Abundance

Family, friends, health and hope!  These are things that the bottle for over two decades.

To drink is to die

Too much to soon.  Too little to late and in between too much to drink!!

All gone

One day I knew I was going to run out of tomorrows.  I did not want to be drunk when that day came.

Sadness

So sad is the person who dies under the influence.  A place so lonely that love and joy cannot possibly exist.  

Tears

I cried for a drink and once I started I cried because I could not stop.

How did I get here?

If you take a good look at your current situation and wonder if alcohol had anything to do with the dismal state of your life, know this...ALCOHOL HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH IT!!

Perfect sense

Prayer is where it all started to make perfect sense.

Coping skills

Without help from others I would have never developed the necessary coping skills needed to remain sober.

Solutions

Problems still exist in my life but solutions have replaced years of drinking.

Stop and go

The toughest thing about drinking was stopping.  The toughest thing about stopping was starting.

Rock-n-roll

Just because we put away the bottle does not mean there is no more rock-n-roll in our lives.

Going no where

When I was young people knew I was going to go places in life and then I just didn't.  Alcohol had a big part in that.

I've learned

After seventeen years away from the bottle I've learned the only way to overcome my problems is to overcome alcohol first!

I thought I was going places

The upper echelon of hell is the only place alcohol ever took me.

Taking action

Others helped me more than I ever could of helped myself.  But their help was worthless until I decided I was ready to accept and listen.  I made the mistake of waiting until I hit a hard bottom and too often that is too late.

1000

I had my 1000th consecutive trip to the gym today!  That is a streak that dates back to December 26th, 2009.  Sobriety may have left me with a few obsessive tendencies, but they are one's I can live with and hopefully LIVE LONG!  

Finding reality

I drank to excess partly because my self-esteem was a train wreck.  The reality was alcohol had me in it's grips and I was out of touch with reality.  

Doing it ugly!

There are days when my attitude and demeanor are downright ugly.  Sobriety at times can be confusing and very ugly, but my ugliest day sober is much more beautiful than my prettiest day drunk!

Sobriety is...

Sobriety for me is a chance to meet the challenges of the journey without the crippling fear which drove me to the bottle in the first place.  So much more is attainable when I live my life above the influence.

I wanted it bad

After a few days away from the bottle I wanted sobriety as bad as I wanted to breath!

Investment

The best investment I ever made was sobriety and commitment to God.  The payoff was tax-free.

Priorities

I have nothing to eat, no where to go and yet I still find a way to drink.

Evil

I was a peaceful and funny drunk, but I was a mean and verbally abusive man after a night of drinking.  I allowed the remorse I experienced to turn me into a dangerous and evil individual.

Options

At the time it appeared drinking was my only option.  Now I know that anything but drinking was a viable option.

A haunting thought

So much of my time under the influence was spent in blackout.  So much of my blackout was spent behind the wheel of a car.

Tomorrow

I wanted to quit tomorrow so bad, but the bottle just kept tomorrow from ever happening.

Glad you are here!

If you are sick and tired of being sick and tired you have come to the right place!

Thank you

Sobriety is more about you than it is about me.  Thank you for helping me by allowing me to help you.

Sanity

When I searched for sanity I found alcohol and nearly lost my mind.

I see

I see my past and see no reason why alcohol should ever again be a part of my life.

Honesty

The key to becoming sober and remaining sober is being honest with yourself by acknowledging who you are and what you have allowed alcohol to do to you. An honest attempt to reconcile your past and develop coping skills is what follows.  Permanent sobriety will not be far behind.

Laughter & joy

The laughter and joy that is coming from my living room is from my children. Moments like these would never have existed if I had not found the courage to go to God 17 years ago and plead for the desire to drink to be permanently removed.

Tonight I will be working on my monthly contribution for serene scene magazine. You can view past articles of mine and more at www.serenescenemagazine.com...

God's grace

God's grace set me free and all I had to do was ask.  Being bombarded day in and day out by the desire to drink is no way to live.

I need a drink

"I need a drink" is no longer embedded in my subconscious.  "I can never have another drink and I can easily survive without one"  has replaced it.

A thought

A lot of my problems today have nothing to do with alcohol.  I am the reason for many of my problems.  Alcohol was the reason I never did anything to overcome the problems I had.

Most days

My heart is secure, my spirit is soaring and the bottle is no where to be found.

Darkness

If I run away from myself and use alcohol as my guide I will forever live in a darkness few can imagine.

What becomes of it

Anger becomes peace, lack becomes prosperity, fear becomes courage, sadness becomes joy and drunkenness becomes sobriety when we put the bottle down and commit to accepting help from those who have been there before.

A wife, two children, a dog and four cats.

Sobriety is never being lonely or unloved.

It depends

I depend on no one who depends on the bottle.

A single prayer

A single prayer can wipe out a decade of drunkenness.  Ask God to remove the desire to drink from you at least for today.

Seeing you

When I see you wondering like I was seventeen years ago I realize that sobriety is truly the place to be.

Helpless

Knowing I shouldn't, but doing it anyway.  This was me with a drink in my hand for over two decades.

Remorse

The pain I felt emotionally was far worse than the physical sting that came from a night of drinking.  Remorse was one of the most painful feelings I have ever experienced.

Thank you!

Thank you for helping me, by allowing me to help you.

Faith

Faith can sometimes be grueling.  But then again the daily grind of being a drunk was quite grueling as well.  Put your faith in God and trust that He will take away your desire to drink.

People helping people

I have a brother who is 45 years old, living with aids and still on the crack.  I would do anything to help him. But it might take one of you.  It might take someone out there who is still using or under the influence.  So please everybody sober up today.  Because tomorrow someone's life may depend on the inspiration that your recovery provides.

Who do we trust?

In God we trust, not bottle!

Update

My new website www.jaykolo.com has been delayed.  The official launch date should be sometime around the 21st of September.  Thanks in advance for understanding!!

A quick fix is needed

Spiritually broken or under the influence?  After awhile it gets so bad it doesn't really matter.  Something needs to be done when alcohol is calling the shots.  And it needs to be done quick!  

Help from above

Sobriety lives within every alcoholic.  God can help those in need find that sobriety

Chaos

Chaos was all I knew for a long time.  It was all alcohol ever allowed me to know.

I'm so sad

I'm sad because there are so many people out there living the way I use to live. The saddest part is the hollow smiles that we hide behind.

The wasted

So much wasted potential gets washed away by fear and the overindulgence of booze.

What came first?

What came first the alcohol or the pain?  Depression, anger and anxiety were around for many years.  They were synonymous with drinking.  I have never figured out which came first, but what I do know, is they all faded away at some point during my recovery.

Hopeless

Without hope is where I would find myself after a long night of heavy drinking.  For a long time my life revolved around drinking and for a long time I felt completely hopeless.

All about drinking

Thinking about drinking was actually as bad as drinking itself.  It consumed me.  I was either thinking, drinking or I was in remorse after drinking.  Eventually drinking became my full-time job!

My sad existence

I enjoyed drinking very much.  I craved alcohol all the time.  I could not stop once I started.  I felt needed alcohol to calm my mind, stir my soul and warm my heart.

This is how it was for a long time.  I AM AN ALCOHOLIC!

Stop thinking

If I think too much I run the risk of relapse.  I just let it happen, accept, tolerate and keep in close contact with my creator.

Restoration

Recovery is a long journey that restores us to who we were originally meant to be.  A second chance at our original beginning.

I was a starnger

One day I looked around and saw nothing but strangers, and nobody was stranger than I.  When did this happen?  How did this happen?  I had become a complete product of the bottle.

I gave and gave

I gave myself completely to alcohol and received nothing in return.

Forgiveness

I have yet to fully forgive myself for the selfish monster I became when alcohol entered my system.

Blackout

After awhile blackout was a common ending to a night out.  I knew no other way.  I think my brain was trying to tell me something.

Simplicity

The most complex problems often have simple solutions.

Asking God to remove the desire to drink was something I prayed every morning for a long time.  Without that constant craving for booze, I was able to go to work on myself, and fix whatever it was, that made me go astray.

Relax

Nobody goes into recovery on a winning streak!

Never perfect

I have mastered the art of sobriety but I still stumble when it comes to the game of life.

The price we must pay

Sobriety don't come easy and drunkenness don't come cheap.  Often times it will cost you your life.  

Sobriety

It's almost midnight and I know where I'm at.  I am at home with a loving family. We are in the midst of some struggles and yet we still have joy.  That is what sobriety is all about.

17 years

17 years ago today I decided to end my life.  Drunkenness, depression, anger, remorse and fear had taken their toll.  I wanted OUT!!  Instead I walked three miles to a hospital emergency room in St. Paul, MN.  I begged for help.  I have not had a drink since. I was blessed to develop coping skills and make friends with wonderful people who guided me away from the bottle.  I also developed a personal relationship with God.

Sobriety is a reality if we open up to others and focus our attention on God and not our addiction.

Down and out

At my lowest moment I got a glimpse of sobriety on my knees.

The drunken journey

I wandered for years trying to find myself.  My biggest mistake was allowing alcohol to be my compass.

Bad taste

I can no longer taste alcohol but I can definitely taste the pain and disappointment that came with twenty plus years of drinking.  That is a taste that takes time to swallow and digest.

For get the 12 steps

The first step is to be truly honest with yourself.

Drunk is not art

If my life as a drunk were a painting, the canvas would be a blur of blood, tears and wasted sweat.

The fix is on

Hungover, lost, broke, angry, hopeless and burning with remorse.  All of this after a hard night of drinking was never enough to make me stop.  That is why something so simple, yet complex was needed.  That something was a spiritual fix.  That spiritual fix for me was God and it has kept me sober over 6000 days.

The way

Remember, nothing with diminish that desire to drink like honesty, prayer and reaching out to others.

Nearing 17 years

I am still here and I am still sober.  I am a few days away from reaching 17 years without a drink!  It was a painful process that wasn't always easy.  But I cannot imagine how painful it would be if I were still drinking. I went from drunkenness to recovery to permanent sobriety.  Stick around and I will share with you my story.  Not the drunken one, but rather the one which took me away from alcohol permanently.

Serene Scene Magazine

My monthly contribution to Serene Scene Magazine can be at ...
www.serenescenemagazine.com

I'm still here

I have received countless emails urging me to continue on with my daily blog.  I will keep all of your opinions under advisement.  I will continue to blog this weekend and post my decision within the next few days.  Your sobriety means more to me than you realize. I am going to do my best to continue to make sobriety blogging part of my daily grind.

Good bye!!

My blog will be coming to an end!!  This is my final blog (at least on this site).  I am having a new website built.  I am going to combine my photography, public speaking and books in one convenient place.  So come and visit me at www.jaykolo.com in about four weeks and see what I have been up to.

Sobriety has been GOOD to me and with a little hard work and some courage sobriety can be just as good to you!!

Love & my best to you all!!

Jay
jaysdesk@jaykolo.com  

Thanks!

I could not do anything without you.  Thank you for helping me, by allowing me to help you!

Big changes

There are going to be many changes in the coming weeks.  I am going to combine my fine art photography site with this site.  I am going to be promoting my fine art line, my books and my national public speaking.  I am excited, humbled and thrilled.
Sobriety...it's a wild ride!

August 10, 1995

Heading into August.  The month my sobriety started 17 years ago.  Remember one thing.  Nobody goes into treatment on a winning streak.

Dislike

When I drank everything I disliked about myself alcohol made worse.

Blinded by the next drink

None so blind as those who refuse to see!

Sad moment

My worst moment was when I saw myself as others had seen me for years.

Head of the household

Families are not families when alcohol is head of the household.

Runaway

I ran away from myself for twenty years and the bottle was with me every step of the way.

A.A.

Alcoholics anonymous is not the only way, it just happens to be the most traveled way.

Personal choices

Chaos was my drink of choice.  Disappointment and depression were the aftertaste.  And fear was what kept me coming back.

The first drink

I was always insane but the first drink was what kept me there.

I was wrong

About three months into my recovery I realized I was wrong and God was right!

Sitting pretty

Sitting pretty without the bottle even when things get ugly.

Certain doom

Sobriety offers a way out while constant drunkenness is a one way path towards death, insanity or some other form of certain doom.

In the beginning

Early in sobriety I found a way to mess things up without the help of alcohol.  This was very discouraging and tested my will and commitment to remain sober.

INsAnITY

While I drank I must of driven under the influence at least a thousand times.  I am certain I passed through at least five intersections each of those thousand times. That means I drove through 5000 intersections very, very drunk!!!  Now that is insanity and that is something I will always be ashamed of.

Some of the miracle

I am 51 years old.  I can bench press nearly 400lbs. and squat even more.  I rarely experience and ache or pain and have not felt depressed in nearly ten years.  My heart and health are excellent.  The last day I missed at the gym was December 25th, 2009!!!  I am closing in on 1000 consecutive workouts!!

This is a direct result of sobriety and God's wonderful Grace!!  

Regrets...I have a few

What I regret most is the people I hurt, the verbal abuse I dished out and the tears that I caused:(

Towards the end

Towards the end blackout drinking became the norm.  And because of it poverty, lack, anger, depression and extreme frustration became the norm as well.  It was no way to live my life and it nearly killed me.

Listen up

We may not be responsible for the way we drink, but we are responsible for finding the help we need to quit.

To error is human...

But to drink beyond excess is a complete waste of a human life.

Go figure

When I quit drinking I had many theories but no sobriety.  Now almost seventeen years later I have sobriety but no theories!

Not one thin dime

The craving for alcohol left me with no control.  If I had money, I was drunk. PERIOD!!!

Getting to know you

When you get to know God you will find out all kinds of wonderful things about yourself.

Last ditch effort

When therapy failed and medication did not work I wept.  When family and friends could not help I left town.  When healing was no where to be found and all seemed lost I got on my knees and shouted out to God for help.   Suddenly things started to fall in place.  I found the courage and the people I needed in order to make sobriety a long term reality.  God was my last ditch effort and He was the only one I ever really needed.

Talk to me!

I am resurrecting my old internet radio show entitled "Mornings Remorse".  It will air Mondays and Fridays at noon on BlogTalkRadio.com  It is going to be a thirty minute segment designed to inspire, enlighten and help those who need it most. Please consider joining me.  Archived episode are also available!  I will post more specific details as I finalize them.  The first show is set for Friday July 27th at noon.

The sober me!

My best friend

My best friend tried to kill me.  For a very long time my best friend was the bottle. We had a wild friendship that had no potential and promised to go no where, but I clung to it, because I couldn't imagine being good enough or wanted by anyone else.

Our mental state

It wasn't really the alcohol as much as my mental state.  It was in such disarray that I turned to alcohol to cope.  That is when disarray took off to a whole new level.  Soon after disaster became the norm.  I am praying for you Taylor!!

Gravity

I am glad God created gravity.  If not I may have jumped off the earth years ago when alcohol had the better of me.

The way I saw it

The bottle told me to see all that was wrong with you while I turned a blind eye towards myself.

It was all on me

My own addiction and love for the bottle was worse than any external enemy I had ever come across.

Bad decision

Alcohol made it's presence known at a time in my life when I needed some type of emotional guidance.  Taking that first drink was a big mistake.  In some ways I will forever be handicapped.

Some days

Sobriety is so much more than just not drinking but some days the best I can do is to just not drink!

Shouldering the blame

I sit back and ponder how I have been placing too much of the blame on alcohol as of late.  Now that I am sober the burden of my setbacks rest squarely on my shoulders.

Option?

Sobriety is not an option, it is the only road away from certain doom that always accompanies the bottle.

In preparation

God is preparing me for something.  And man does it hurt!!

Have faith

Have faith that your sobriety will be permanent.  Faith is something we don't have to understand, we just have to do our best to believe it.

The sober side

I will always be an alcoholic so I might as well live my life on the sober side of the disease.

Fear

Sobriety brings with it success.  And after years of failing success is what I feared the most.

Honesty

Honesty!  Without it, the desire to drink, will always haunt you.  When you can be totally honest with yourself and God in your most private moments, you are able to put great distance between you, and that next drink.  Continued honesty means that next drink never happens.

The possibilities

God never changes, we do!  That is why sobriety is always possible.

Humble

When I am humbled I seem to be my most productive.  Alcohol kept my ego so BIG that being humble was not possible.

Needs

I need God now more than ever!  I have always needed God instead of a drink.

See only the good

If we fail to see a bit of God in everyone we will never see Him in ourselves.

The look

I remember the look in my dad's eyes when I first came home drunk.  I remember the look in my dad's eyes when I came home after serving only 14 months of a 4 year stretch in the navy.  Drunkenness put an end to my military career.


I remember the look in my dad's eyes as he lay in the hospital dying.  At the time I had nearly six years of sobriety.  I shall cherish that look the rest of my living days. There are moments the the power of sobriety is awesome beyond comprehension.

Serene scene

My latest monthly contribution entitled " Down and Out" can be found at...

www.serenescenemagazine.com

My biggest sin was...

putting alcohol before everybody else!

Crime

It would be a crime if I did not give to someone who was in greater need than me.  What can I do to help you sober up?

Remorse

I have no love, I have no desire.  I feel nothing other than remorse.

Crying out loud

My flesh cries out for one more drink.  My flesh is never silent.

Smile

If you refuse to get into a program of recovery your ability to smile will be fully dependent on the bottle.

Being drunk

I drank to get drunk because I thought that being drunk, confused and lonely was all I deserved at the time

Help

There is help and that help does not exist in or anywhere near the bottle.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is another day unless you are stuck in the drunk.  In that case tomorrow will be exactly like your worst collection of yesterdays.

Remorse

Eat, drink and be miserable.  For too long that was my motto.  That was my shadow otherwise known as remorse.

Hungry

God doesn't create drunks.  We do that to ourselves.  He creates a way out from the misery of drunkenness.  We just have to be hungry enough to want it.

Mercy

He has mercy on my soul because even sober I fall far, far short of His glory!

A tough road

For over twenty years alcohol just beat the crap out of me and I allowed it to.  One day I could not take the beatings anymore so I turned to God and shouted "help me out here".  He did in a way that was rough and tumble and came with many lessons.  It also came with peace, love and joy.

Pain

I still have pain on the inside when I think of all the people I hurt and disappointed when I allowed alcohol to do my talking.

Crazy drunk

If you are going to get crazy drunk this 4th of July please, please don't drive!!

A thought

Sober is a state of mind.  Drunkenness is an avoidable disaster.

When all else fails

When all else fails the power of prayer is a lifesaver.  Simple, private and life changing.

Crime

My crime was drunkenness.  That is one scene I never want to return to.

Time

Time is what alcohol took away from me.  It could have been much worse.

Always a challenge

With or without the bottle I am still an emotional train wreck that always wants to derail.

Finding permanent sobriety

If you invite God inside and expose to Him your darkest secrets the desire to drink will most certainly diminish.

The long arm of alcohol

I had no business making my drunkenness your business.  To those who I hurt and rattled along the way I am forever sorry.

Lost without a cause

I have no place to go when I drink except deep inside of the bottle.  When I drink nothing makes sense except staying drunk as long as I possibly can.  For what reason I do not know.  This is just how it has always been.

Time to heal

We can never fully heal if we continue to hurt ourselves and those around us.

No purpose

My drunkenness served no purpose other than quieting my otherwise twisted mind.

A bad scene

When my drinking started to severely affect those around me it was definitely time to quit.

Living proof

I quit drinking because I wanted to live more than die and I knew that alcohol was no longer a part of the living equation.

The chaos is gone

My desire to drink is no more, yet an alcoholic is forever who I am.    

Never give up!

Don't give up five minutes before the miracle.  Great things are usually ready to happen when the bottle is calling you back.  Don't give in...EVER!

Change is coming!

A new updated website is in the  works and should be up and ready the first part of July!

Sobriety is a blast

Sobriety can be fun!  Today I attempted to fry an egg on my head.  It was that Hot!

God help me

God removed the desire to drink from me because I got on my knees and asked Him to!

Powerless

My intelligence, willpower or education was no match against the power alcohol had on me.

Going places

Sobriety can take you to places that alcohol doesn't even know exist.

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!

May sobriety be your future!

Greatness

I have done no things great but I have done a few things with great enthusiasm.

Love heals

Alcohol hurts and love heals and together the two cannot exist.  Choose love and find those capable of loving you while you struggle in a state of healing.

God's Will

One thing I am certain of is that God's Will is not for us to be fall down, desperate, angry drunks.  The quickest way to get on your chosen path is to put the bottle down and run for everyone and anyone who can't help put distance between you and that next drink.

Memories

I remember so little other than the pain, remorse and isolation that I felt the morning after a big drunk.

Just plain dead

If I had not sobered up I would have automatically went from being dead drunk to just plain DEAD!!  My only consolation prize would have been a lengthy prison sentence for vehicular homicide.  For me alcohol was a dead end to no where.

Out on a ledge

Alcohol chased me out on a ledge many times and told me to jump.  It was prayer that would always give me the strength, courage and hope to come back in.

What remains

The bottle is gone, the memories have evaporated and all that remains is hope that enough time is left to get it  right.

I am responsible

After a few weeks without alcohol I began to realize that I was responsible for a large portion of my troubles.  Booze just helped me get there and kept me there.

Days end

At the end of the day I know where I have been and what I need to do to make things right.  At the end of the day I have few regrets and some degree of hope.  At the end of the day I am sober.

Perception

When I sobered up I thought sobriety would be different.  When I took my first drink I thought getting drunk would be different too!  Sobriety was a pleasant surprise.  Drunkenness was a disappointing disaster.

Twisted thinking

The crap that I have pulled is in direct proportion to the amount I drank.  We deserve better and so does God!

Honesty

Honesty is the most important part of recovery.  If we cannot be honest with ourselves during our most private moments we will forever be drunk.

Memories

My fondest memory of alcohol was when the desire to drink was taken away.

Just plain rotten

When I drank I let alcohol do my talking and thinking.  I was the type of guy who could follow you into a revolving door and come out ahead.  Alcohol rendered me heartless.

I do not know much

I started drinking in the 8th grade.  I dropped out of high school when I was 17.  I was kicked out of the military after serving just 14 months.  Alcohol had a hand in all of this.  I do not know much, but I do know, that booze breaks lives.  It damages the soul and crushes the heart.  It shortens our existence and peppers us with misery.
I also know that prayer and honesty can put an end to all of the misery and forever take away the desire to drink and be drunk.

My best friend

My best friend tried to kill me.  My best friend was alcohol and it created more enemies over the years than I could count.  But in the end the biggest enemy I had was alcohol itself.

Hope

Without alcohol there is hope.  And sometimes hope is all we need to get by.

I prayed

I prayed at my lowest moment that God would and could remove the desire to drink from me.  He can and He did.  And He will do the same  for you if you simply ask from the heart!

Lost at love

I once loved to drink more than I loved life itself.  And it was that love for alcohol that nearly introduced me to death.

Anything goes

Anything goes while under the influence.  Especially dreams, hope, family, health and wealth.  Drink long enough and it will all be gone before the hangover wears off.

One drink

The only thing that separates me, from many of you, is that first drink.  If I can avoid it so can you.  Without it almost anything is possible!

Recovery

Recovery is a death sentence that eventually turns into a life saver.

Willpower

Willpower fails every time if it is not Gods Will!

Patience and prayer

God WILL remove your desire to drink.  Once He does, all other obstacles can be overcome in time with patience and prayer.

Lies, lies

A lot of lies poured from the bottle and they left an after taste that I can only describe as misery.

It's about nothing

Without alcohol there is mostly a whole lot of nothing going on.  And that is just fine by me.  A sober nothing always seems to lead to joy!

Freedom

My best friend is sobriety.  We met a long time ago during recovery.  The thing I like best about sobriety is it allows me so much freedom.  Long gone are the days of bondage that were a part of everyday drinking.

Every once in awhile

Every once in awhile I still wonder what it would be like if...

Simply the best!

The best part of each and everyday is waking up sober!

Lights out

Last call is completely up to you.

Drunk driving

When we drink and drive we allow alcohol to show what little respect and regard it has for human life.

Relax!

Put down the bottle and get some rest.  The journey is long and complex!

Say when

If you can't decide between right or wrong, left or right you've probably had too much to drink!

Somebody I used to know

I.D please

If Satan is the bartender, then I am the bouncer, and I'm turning people away at the door.

Problems

I found myself wandering years after I had sobered up.  Without the drama of the bottle I have been able to overcome any problems that sober life may throw my way.  

Let's go!

Walk with me to a place where the desire to drink is forbidden.

Remorse

It's Friday, and if your like I was pain and remorse are less than 48 hours away.

Complete defeat

Victory begins the moment we put the bottle down.  Anything prior to that is simply complete defeat.  

How I quit

Live or die I turned away from alcohol and sprinted towards God.  I knew that death was hiding behind my next drink.

All aboard!

I was a train wreck when I drank and I could never figure out why no one wanted to climb aboard.

Coming home

I was emotionally, spiritually and physically far from home when I drank.  It was honesty and prayer that got me back on track.

Spiritual growth

Death or sobriety!  In which direction is your next drink taking you?

This is how we do it

The only escape from drunkenness is called recovery.  An honest and well worked recovery eventually becomes sobriety.

No means no!!

Alcohol is always calling me back and for nearly 17 years I have shouted back a firm NO!!

Problems

After nearly 17 years sober I realize I no longer have a drinking problem.  I have a JAY problem!  Time to go back to the manufacturer.  I am talking about God.  God is love, God is healing.  God is the fix we should all be looking for.

God knows!

I found myself just in time.  God knew where I was for years.  Alcohol kept me hidden from the real me.

1000 places

1000 places within my heart that will always regret the things I did and the things I said while I was under the influence.  I took my pain, fear and confusion and turned it upon others.  Alcohol has a way of doing that.  It numbs our brains and takes away our heart until nothing is left but nasty!

So low

So low both emotionally and physically is how I felt after years and years of drinking.  So low that I was unable to reach the bottle anymore.  This is when I realized that a spiritual fix was my only hope.  That spiritual fix for me was God!  Personal prayer so private, so powerful, that hope could be felt within moments.  And where there is hope, there is change, healing and direction.

The numbers game

17 years of sobriety versus one drink.  I drink, I lose.  Help me to help myself by allowing me to help you!

Give me your heart

Give me your heart and I will show you what true sobriety is all about!!

Just the thought

Just thinking about drinking got to be intoxicating after awhile.

Alcohol is blind

I like what I saw...in everybody else but myself.

No special reason

I just drank and drank for no special reason other than I could not stop once I got started.

An alcoholic is...

The first to know and the last to find out.

Direction

I don't know where I'm going but I always know where I am at.  That is why I do my best to make sure God is in charge!

Energy

It takes quite a bit of energy to be a drunk.  Towards the end of my drinking days it was energy I lacked and peace I desired.

It's about time.

I feel that it might be time to resurrect the old radio show in an attempt to inspire, enlighten and sober up those who need it most.  There is a heck of a lot happening on the sober side of life!

In too deep

By the time I saw what alcohol was doing to me I was in too deep.  A spiritual fix was desperately needed.

Left for dead

Alcohol left me for dead one day and the only one who could save me was God.  Not psychiatry, psychology or medication of any kind could have helped me until I allowed God to let me help myself.

I am living proof that the power of prayers strengthens and heals!

I laughed

When I drank I laughed until I cried.  When I started to cry I could not stop and all I wanted to do was die!

No more time for the bottle

Time in a bottle is where I used to hang out with my insecurity.  Time in a bottle is where I use to hide from everyone and everything.

Dead drunk

Dead drunk was probably the ultimate goal at my lowest point.  I just didn't know how to live another day under the influence.

A thought...

Without sobriety my obituary would be long forgotten.

Going down

Sometimes rock bottom is the best place to find success cause it certainly can't be found under the influence!

The progression

One drink became many.  Many drinks became hours of drinking.  Hours of drinking turned into a night of drunkenness.  Night became day and remorse gave me a bitter jolt that seldom lasted longer than nausea and tears.  This was my pattern for twenty painful years.

Half dead

Half dead is what I became when alcohol first made it's presence known in my life.  From that moment forward sobriety or death where the only possible alternatives.  

We are that close

One drink is all that separates many of you from me.  That is a gap we should be able to change.

A thought

Tomorrow and yesterday are hope and remorse to the alcoholic.

The bottom of the bottle

Death or insanity is the after taste I never wanted to experience.

Get curious

God has the answers to questions that you do not even know yet.

Think about this...

There are people in my life today who never would have existed if I was not able to walk away from alcohol 16 years ago.  God's plan was able to happen because I allowed Him, to help me, when I needed help the most.

Sobriety

Live long, laugh often, love and be loved.

Goals

Constant drunkenness was my goal before the first drink.  Finding a way to stop was my goal after the first drink.

No last call

The mind of an alcoholic never closes for business.

Just talking

I could never talk myself out of that next drink because it was the first drink that was doing all the talking.

Killer magic

In the end I was so sick and tired of myself that even alcohol could no longer work it's magic.

Many drinks

I never told myself I was going to drink just one.  I would try and stop after six, then eight, then twelve.  I then tried just drinking beer.  At one point I attempted to limit the number of hours I was going to drink.  Two, three or maybe four.  None of these strategies ever got me any where.

A few drinks became dozens.  Only beer turned into shots and a couple of hours often became several days.

Sound familiar?  I'm Jay Kolo and I'm an alcoholic.  Always was, always will be.

A friend in need

Alcohol came around at a time in my life when I desperately need a friend.  I drank and drank and let alcohol do the rest.

Runaway train

That is what life is like for me after the first drink.

Which way do I go?

Everything in life is better sober!  For 20 years I was doing it the hard way.  The hard way is compliments of alcohol.

Madness

Life went from bad to worse and then I reached for the bottle.  The pain of mornings remorse will forever scar my soul. 

Taking a dive

Every time I got drunk it was like taking a dive.  I took a perfectly good situation and pissed all over it.

Hope

What I can always see on my worst day of sobriety is tomorrow.  And with tomorrow comes hope! 

The power of prayer

What appeared to be the final moments of my life turned out to be the start of something big.  That big I am referring to is sobriety and it was the power of prayer that got me going! 

Step up

Making the best decision on the worst day of my life is why I am here now.

New site

I should have the new version of Jaykolo.com up and running by April 15th!!

Healing

Recovery is healing and healing can begin at anytime.  Healing hurts, healing is necessary, healing is what will lead you to permanent sobriety.  For me healing began when I got down on my knees and pleaded with God to take away my insane desire to always be drunk.

I've said this before

Quitting drinking is the hardest thing you will ever do.  The only thing harder is dying a drunk! 

In the drivers seat

When I totally depended on alcohol it was like tossing the car keys to the bottle.  Alcohol was in the drivers seat.  It took me wherever it wanted to go.  No matter what the outcome was, alcohol was in charge for a long, long time.  When I finally decided to leave alcohol in the rear view mirror life was tough.  I had to learn how to think, act, react and survive all without the aid of the substance which nearly caused me a fatal crash.

At war

When I was drinking I was at war with myself.  My weapon of choice was alcohol.  After twenty-two years of battle I found myself close to death and decided to wave the white flag.

Diary of a drunk

In the beginning I drank to fit in.  In the middle I drank to forget.  Towards the end I drank because it was all that I knew.

The drunken me

Who Am I?  Where am I?  How did I get here?  

Completely clueless

The toughest part of recovery for me was getting acquainted with a complete stranger.  That stranger was me!  When I started drinking at the age of thirteen I only associated with the drunken Jay.  Years later when I stepped into recovery I found myself alone, sober and completely clueless. 

The killer within me is...

The killer within me is the reason I pray everyday.  When I drink I drive.  I no longer drink and therefore I no longer drive drunk.  Daily prayer is what keeps me focused and away from the bottle.

Where to?

Drunkenness, recovery or sobriety.  Where do you choose to live life as an alcoholic?

This is it

Just when I think I can go back out there, somebody's struggle and hardship pulls me right back in.  People helping people without the bottle.  That's what it's all about!

A powerful addiction

If I wasn't drinking I was thinking about drinking.  Eventually at some point alcohol consumes us more than we consume it.

If I were normal

If I could drink just one or two drinks I would be drinking all the time!!!  But then again that is what makes me an alcoholic:(  Never mind.  

Coming soon

In about two weeks I will have a brand new updated website!!  Stay close.

Recovery

I have to overcome alcohol before I can overcome anything else.

No excuse!

Even now after 16 years away from the bottle my drinking days still haunt me occasionally.  I WILL always be an alcoholic.  But that is no excuse to ever take another drink. 

I just knew

Somewhere between my drunkenness and the stars I knew that peace existed.

At my lowest moment

Shame held me down while guilt beat me.

Last call

Eyes too bloodshot to ever have appreciated a sunrise.

Alcoholic influence

I was always under the influence of alcohol.  When I wasn't drinking I was hungover.  There was rarely a time when alcohol didn't have some kind of influence on my life.

An ugly life

Being a drunk was fun for a few years.  Then it got down right ugly and twisted.  Anything that causes so much hardship and tears can't be worth it day in and day out.  It took me too long to realize that and the only reason I did was by the Grace of a loving God.

Winning ugly

Sometimes my life can get just plain ugly.  Most of the time I am to blame.  Through it all I remain grateful and most of all sober.

The truth of the matter

Worn down by constant years of failure have never threatened my sobriety but they do threaten my relationship with God.

The great escape

Drunk became a way of life both night and day.  After awhile I realized recovery was the only way out.

A loaded gun

If you see somebody in your rear view mirror it is probably me pointing a loaded gun at your entire family.  This is what driving under the influence really comes down to.

Nothing was ever enough

I was never able to get drunk enough to quiet the pain and confusion in my head.

Full throttle

I only knew one way.  It was all the way for as long as I could.  And that is what nearly killed me.

Take a good look

If we see ourselves as others have seen us for years we might see enough drunk to get sober.

Remembering

I hit a HORRIBLE emotional bottom.  I will always remember that what I wanted most was to know that God was still my friend!  

Recovery

It gets easier after awhile, TRUST ME!!

Separation anxiety

Alcohol abuse created anger and anger separated me from God.

While I was drinking

I was doing bad things and I knew they were wrong while I was doing them.  This was the most disturbing part of my alcoholism.

A memorable fact

Even though I haven't had a drink in over 16 years I still have a drinking problem.  That is a problem I never want to forget.

The truth about recovery

The danger of living in recovery too long is that it borders drunkenness.  Sobriety should be the ultimate goal of every alcoholic.

What was I thinking

So smooth and sexy going down.  Your intoxication took my breath away and nearly took my life.

Just enough to get by

If all I know is SOBER, I know just enough to get by.

Sober

Staying sober because I CAN!!!  Staying sober because of GOD!!

No place to go!

Got nothing to trust, so I put my trust in alcohol and it took me far, far away from the truth.

My way?

I have a history of doing what I want to do.  And for the last 16 years I have NOT wanted to take a drink.

The way it was

I stagger home unsure about where I have been.   And I then wonder to myself,  how long before this happens again?