Blinded

Too blind to realize the strength we have inside.
Too blind to love as we are loved.
Too blind to know what hope is all about.
Too blind to run, run, run from the bottle.
Too blind too sense our last day approaching.
Too blind to see the pain we inflict.
Too blind are we without joy.
Too blind to know that healing exists.
Too blind to see that God is love 

TIME

There is no calendar or clock when you drink.  Drunkeness is just one big continuation of pain, confusion, fear and self-destruction.  To drink is to die!  At it's best to drink is to die in slow motion while everyone is watching!

Spiritual desire

Since I was a child I longed for something out of this world.  Meaning, knowledge, understanding, a connection.  When I stumbled upon my first drink at age thirteen I was certain I had found all of the above at the bottom of the bottle.  Twenty-one years later that constant exploration into that bottle nearly caused me to take my life.

Helpless, hopeless and clueless I relunctantly decided to give God a try.  What I found was so amazing, so peaceful, so secure, that the desire to drink was gone for good.  The spirit of God is love, grace, courage, knowledge and joy.  I am so grateful that I found God and invited him into my life.  Even today when I stray I find myself confused, angered and empty. 

God is all we need to overcome that which robs us of joy, hope, ability and love for one another.  Invite God into your life TODAY!!!   

GOD IS THE REASON

It is true, I have not had a drink in the past 16 years.  There was a time I could not make it 16 days without a drink.  I tried everything and anything to stop.  Therapy, medication, AA, self-help, etc...  Nothing worked until I invited God into my life.  Nothing worked until I surrendered to God and let Him run each and every day.  Nothing worked until prayer became a daily ritual.

After I allowed God to be in charge everything worked and worked quite well.  I give all the credit to God.  He has blessed me more than I deserve. 

THANK YOU GOD!!

Sunrise

Sunrise was that pivotal part of the day when bloodshot eyes said good-bye to the security of darkness.  It was also when I realized that I truly could not put the bottle down. 

Last man standing,
with pain in my heart,
confusion in my head,
and a future as uncertain as my next drunk. 

Mornings remorse

The most painful part of any drunk for me was mornings remorse.  I was slowly slipping away into a shortened life of confusion, pain and denial.  In the end mornings remorse was the best friend I had.  It was the one intangible that saved me from going completely over the edge.

GOT GOD!

Gave God a shot and gave myself a chance!  Found strength within that alcohol never allowed me to know I had.  When I stray, I stumble and fall.  But love and forgiveness pick me up and place me back on track.  My testimony is simply God's Grace.  And that is a wonderful place to be!

Gut feeling

Even before my first drink there was something very wrong.  I was heading to a bad place.  Alcohol just helped me get there.  Once there, alcohol made sure I did not leave.  It took away all ability, hope, drive, desire and decency.  
Now after 16 years I am back to where I started.  This time instead of giving myself to alcohol I am going to surrender to God and let Him take me where he needs me most.  

REALITY

Sobriety is the real deal.  Anything else is a bad drunk!

The ism

I am no more like you,
than you are like me.
I am one,
be it one of many.
Of too many who know no end.
Whither and die in a suspended state.
I drag through another day,
while time marches by.
I am of old,
I am controlled
by that which consumes me.
I run, I fear, I rejoice, I cry.
I am reminded by remorse of a better time.
A time that shall always be out of focus.
A time that forever shall be a distant memory.
Seek not a solution,
but rather a hostile end to a torn soul.  

Prayer

My day always begins with a little prayer.  How else do you think I've been able to stay away from alcohol for 16 years?  God is my sobriety!

Silence

Silence is what I hear when alcohol is no longer beating at my door.  Silence is peace.  Silence is direction and hope.  Silence is food, shelter and clothing.  Silence is sobriety.  Silence is love and that love is a gift from God!

Alcohols firm grasp

No soul exists when I drink.
Thoughts of corruption and power flow with the spirit known as alcohol.
I listen to no one with all my might.
I face each day with diluted dreams.
Fear so toxic I tremble upon the rising of the sun.
Hope so dismal darkness is all I see.
An existence so nocturnal I long for a better way.
My life, my bottle we are one in the same.
Pictures on the wall tell a different story.
A story so far away from where I am now.
I have lost my home, I have lost my soul.

All I wanna do is drink

That was how I felt for years.  All I wanted to do was drink.  Drink when I was happy, sad, hungry, angry, lost, depressed, anxious and so on.  I drank when I had money and when I was broke.  I drank at home, at work, on the weekends and during the week.  Sometimes I didn't drink for weeks at all (just to prove to myself i was okay).

I was anything but okay because alcohol was in charge of my life, my dreams, my future, even my after life.  DRINKING WAS KILLING ME!

Temptation

Even after 16 years away from it all I stumble upon a certain type of bad day that gets me thinking.  I get into a mood where for just a fraction of a second I think about throwing it all away for a drink.  Actually not a drink, but a DRUNK!!  Before anymore time elapses I shout out loud "what the hell am I thinking???"

Coping skills are crucial if any of us are going to enjoy long term sobriety.  Treatment got me away from the drink and coping skills keep me away.

Alcohol speaks

Several weeks into treatment the glow of my early recovery was shattered when alcohol started going to work on my thoughts.  How am I possibly going to stay sober for the rest of my life?  If I am at a wedding what will I do when the best man toasts the newly married couple?  How about my birthday which falls on St. Patricks day?

Alcohol was attempting to call me back.  And I came close to answering the call.  All I can say is that over the course of time I was able to develop some pretty amazing coping skills.  They would be more than enough to keep alcohols call out of ear range.  Trust me on this! 

All that I have become

I shudder at the thought of you.
You take my breath away.
Without hope I welcome you with open arms.
An angry tongue is first to make your acquaintance.
I live for no one, I live for you.
Take me away from here, take me with you.
Direction is something I lack and peace is what I seek.
Be with me then until the last day.
When I end, the innocent shall forever bear my pain.
I see you, I taste you, I feel you...
My soul is forever lost.

How bad was it?

After just seven days sober I wondered if things were really that bad.  Was drinking ruining my life?  Do I belong here in treatment?  Should I sign myself out? 

Well, lets see. I was 34 years old.  A high school drop out.  I had a serious drunken car crash at the age of 18.  I was kicked out of the navy at age 20.  Got a job bartending at the age of 21( longest job I ever worked).  Spent serious time in and out of mental institutions in my teens and twenties.  Suffered terribly from depression.  Drank before I paid the rent or bought food.  Never had a serious relationship with a female.  Found myself constantly homeless.  Never had a bank account.  Lost my drivers license several times.  Had few possessions ( most of what I owned fit neatly in a backpack).  Tried several times to commit suicide.  Ran out of friends and family.  I would have abandoned myself if I could.

Yes, I think alcohol had a very negative influence on my life and treatment was exactly where I needed to be, and for a lot longer than seven days!!

Getting into it

After the initial shock and fear wore off, I actually got into sharing my feelings with others.  I am not talking about the war stories, but the actual isolation, pain, fear and self-destruction that shadow every alcoholic.  The intense sharing actually brought me to a better understanding of how out of control I had been over the years. 

Where had time gone?  Where had I been hiding?  Why had I been hiding?  How am I going to climb out of this enormous hole that was created by 22 years of alcoholic bliss?

These were just some of the questions that danced around my head at night as I tried to sleep.

There is NO WAY!

When I arrived to treatment I just kept staring at the calendar.  There was NO WAY I was going to be able to do this.  But I also knew if I did not go through with this I would be back out there drinking within a few days.  And while drinking had always meant innocent drunkenness I was certain that now to drink was to die!

I figured I at least needed to hang around this place for a few days while I contemplated my next move.  The alcoholic in me was doing the thinking and the fear in me was doing the talking.  A combination like that was not going to be good for anybody!

In the beginning

Those few days in a regular hospital were days of leisure.  Three tasty meals, a clean bed and friendly staff.  When they informed me I was being sent to a long term treatment facility my heart sank and the alcoholic in me took over.  Suddenly the fear of killing myself disappeared.  I actually thought I could make it in the regular world despite my obsession with alcohol.  Recovery and sobriety all of a sudden seemed like a bad idea.  I knew I had the option of signing myself out against medical advice.  Every single brain cell urged me to do so.  Then, I thought to myself, that all of those brain cells had long since been under direct orders from the boss himself.  That boss was alcohol!

Minutes from death!!

16 years ago tonight I found myself minutes from death.  Actually what appeared to be my final moments turned out to be the last time I would take a drink.  Tomorrow August 10, 2011 I will celebrate 16 years away from the bottle.  That is 16 years sober!  There was a time when I could not stop drinking for 16 days. 

That frightful night 16 years ago was a night filled with failure and fear.  Alcohol just quit working for me.  I could not get drunk enough to stifle the pain that was spinning around inside of my mind.  I felt that suicide was the only way out.  I was 34 years old, alone, penniless, nearly homeless and without hope.  I had allowed alcohol to do quite a number on me.  And now I was paying for it emotionally.  I had hit a painful, dark and seemingly inescapable bottom!

As I mentioned death seemed to be the only way out.  But alcohol had done something else to me.  It had turned me into a coward.  Now I was too scared to live and too scared to die.  I was stuck in a horrible crevice.  I then cried out to God for help!!  I would soon realize that what I was doing was praying.  It was the first time I had prayed in years. 

I was emotionally drained.  It was about 2am and I passed out on the floor of the damp and dingy basement room that I was renting by the week.  When I awoke I could not believe I was still alive.  I shot up, got dressed and walk furiously down the street.  Thirty minutes later I walked into a local emergency room.  I told the nurse that I could not stop drinking and was having strong thoughts of suicide.  It was the first time in years I had been honest with another human being.  Within 48 hours I was taken by ambulance to a treatment facility to begin a long term rehab. I had been down this road before but this time something was different.  This time I meant business.  I wanted to LIVE!  And I wanted to be SOBER!  That's how it was 16 years ago.

In the coming weeks I will blog about my early days in recovery.  I hope you will be here right by my side.      

Drama free zone

Our cat lived!! Nothing but a nasty bladder infection.  Long live Spencer the cat.  We did not have to put him down after all.  Sobriety has gotten me through yet another crisis!  16 years ago I would have not been able to face such an obstacle without a beer in my hand and a shot glass nearby.  My life is filled with many obstacles.  They never seem to go away.  But being sober allows me correct thought and proper reaction to the most difficult of situations.  I am so grateful for sobriety.  I love my life even on the worst days.  The thing I never seem to miss is the constant drama that once was a part of my life.  That drama disappeared the moment I put the bottle down.  

The pain of sobriety

Sobriety has blessed me with a wife, two children, a dog and three cats.  Not to mention a promising career, excellent health along with love and joy.  But these blessings come with a price.

Back when I drank it was just me.  I lived for me, with me and entirely by myself.  My emotions were shut off to the world.  As I blog tonight our ten year old angora cat named Spencer is slowly dying.  He most likely is down to his last few hours.  He has been with us longer than any of our other pets.

The pain and sadness I now feel could not have happened when I drank.  Nothing happened when I drank.  I had no chance of experiencing loss because I had no love.  No love for myself or anyone else.  Spencer has brought me a great deal of joy over the years.  And sobriety has allowed me to feel that joy in a way that alcohol never could or would. 

When I drank my soul was a shipwreck.  But today my tears offer living proof that sobriety's pain is far better than any tranquility that alcohol attempts to deliver.     

This is it!

Sobriety is where you will make friendships you could have never imagined.  You will mend fences you did not know were broke and you will realize a level of joy that few ever experience.  Of course to find sobriety you have to stumble through a pain filled process known as recovery.  During this process alcohol will whisper in your ear to come back.  Temptation will emotionally abuse you and confusion will be your constant shadow. 

Remain strong, don't give in and never, ever allow alcohol to poison your future again! 

Sobriety

Sobriety...the great escape from an otherwise dismal life and early death!

A change of heart

I am backing off my plans (for now at least) to resurrect my show on Blog Talk Radio.  I have thought about it and I feel at this time my time is best spent right here blogging and also I am devoting more time as a writer and contributor each month for Serene Scene magazine.  To learn more you can visit http://www.serenecenter.com/

Geography

Drunkenness is a deserted island where no man can share a thought, a tear, love or joy with another.  We seek to be with ourselves and only answer to the commands of our addiction.

Sobriety is a tropical paradise brimming with the love and joy of those who share what we go through to distance ourselves from that which torments and controls.  Those who have been placed in our path are truly there by the grace of God.

No man need be an island.   

Going live!

Going live once again on Blog Talk Radio starting Wednesday, August 10th at 11:30pm (central time).  Visit me live or listen the the archive.  I will have more details and specifics this weekend! 

A coward and a killer

Alcohol hides behind many things as it kills talented, beautiful people.  Alcohol hides behind heart disease, high blood pressure, kidney ailments, liver disease, anxiety, depression and suicide just to name a few.

Alcohol is a cowardly killer.  Put this disease to rest today by putting down the bottle immediately and getting the help you need to remain alcohol free forever!

HOPE

Without hope I would still be a drunken disaster.  Daily prayer gave me the hope I so desperately needed!