Drinking frequency

Drank everyday, once a week, once in awhile and thought I could quit whenever I wanted to.  That day never came.  It wasn't how often I drank but how much I drank and how much I thought about drinking.    

The final attempt

When all was lost.  When everything had been attempted.  When alcohol had me down.  When I could actually see death I finally turned to prayer.  A small, personal, informal, very quiet conference with God that proved to be a powerful life changing moment in my life.

Oxymorons

Jumbo shrimp, fire water, damp dry, just friends, DRINK RESPONSIBLY. 

Nothing more to add

Drink less, pray more, enough said!

Holiday cheer

For many years the holidays were all about getting drunk.  To me it used to be the reason for the season.  But sobriety has blessed me with a wonderful family.  And that is the best reason of all.

The daily grind

Life has been very busy as of late.  Sobriety has a way of doing that.  Recovery is what takes you to sobriety and no one knows more about recovery than God.  Find him while on your knees!

HAPPY VETERANS DAY!

Thank you to those who served!  Never, ever let alcohol get in the way of everything you fought so hard to preserve.   I unfortunately was unable to make a life for myself in the military.  I allowed alcohol to get in the way.  I gave alcohol complete authority over all of my affairs.  I drank until I dropped when I was in the Navy.  My drinking got so out of control that I was sent back stateside to a naval medical base in Philadelphia.  I was given a general discharge from the Navy after serving just fourteen months.  This is when I was only nineteen years old.  When I arrived unannounced at home and I was deeply saddened by the look of shame coming from my both of my parents faces.  Our relationship would never again be the same.
This unfortunately would just be the start of many disasters and setbacks caused by my unwillingness and inability to stop drinking.

A life dominated by drunkenness is a speeding automobile headed for a concrete wall.  Disaster and doom are certain.

Time

Recovery bought me time!  Time to develop much needed coping skills.  Time to get my health back.  Time to build strength, courage and confidence.  Time to examine the wreckage of my past.  Time to mend broken hearts.  Time to get acquainted with myself.  Time to cry.  Time to heal.  Time to listen, understand and pray.  Time enough to do the right thing in a patient manner in order to complete the journey all the way to sobriety.    

Life happens

Life happens when your wasted.  Get sober and find out what all the fuss is about!

That's just the way it is

My best day as a drunk is no where near as good as my worst day sober.

Say what?

The sober I get the less drunk you become! 

Responsibility

For many of us it is not our fault that we drink the way we do.  It is however our responsibility to seek out some type of help and healing that will take us away from the bottle for good.  Our alcoholism will never go away.  What suddenly disappears is time, talent, health, friends, family, opportunity and eventually life itself. 

Get moving towards the sober side of alcoholism now!

A starting point

We all need to start our journey in recovery somewhere.  Drunkenness is not the common cold.  It just won't go away on it's own.  My journey started when I was finally able to be honest with myself.  Telling myself the truth was all I needed to jump start my recovery.  I had to see myself as others had seen me for years.  The next thing I had to do was take action and get into some type of daily recovery program.  I had to take all of that new found honesty and share it with others who were a lot like me.  And the final part of the process was to go to God and ask Him to give me the courage to start this journey, work it one day at a time and see it through no matter how long it took.

T'is the season...

T'is the season to be jolly!!  With the holiday season quickly approaching I find that I have more jolly without the bottle than I ever had with it.

Get some jolly in your life.  GET INTO RECOVERY MODE RIGHT NOW!!  I am praying for you.

Problems

Sobriety has been good to me!  I have a house that is drafty.  A 130 lb. dog that sheds.  Cats that meow all night.  Children who are too rough with the cats.  A wife who is a bit too sloppy.  Noisy neighbors and a car that constantly breaks down.

Yes, sobriety sure has been good to me.  I would not trade in that dog, those cats, my kids or wife or even my neighbors or car for anything in the world.   These are things that define me.  These are the areas of my life that did not exist when alcohol dominated my world.

When alcohol was in charge all of my possessions easily fit into a medium size gym bag.  There was no car, no drivers license, no wife, no kids, no bank account, no nothing.  My life was a nightmare and it was going no where. 

It is true I do have some problems.  I have areas in my life that are not perfect.  But those areas have taken the place of what once was a miserable, empty, cold, evil existence that followed a path carved by a daily dependence on alcohol. 

Give me sobriety and it's challenges any day! 

A broken soul

A broken soul for me was a severed relationship with God.    When I drank women came easy and alcohol was cheap.  My behavior and actions took their toll on my soul.  The pain I ultimately experienced on the inside could not be eased by all of the women and alcohol in the world.

If you must

Go out and be who you are.  And when you are done, be who God intended you to be!

Regrets

Alcohol robs us of so many wonderful moments.  It cheats and steals away memories that were intended to last for a lifetime.  In January of 1986,I decided to go out and get drunk instead of watching Superbowl XX with my dad.  For two weeks we had planned on watching the Chicago Bears destroy the New England Patriots.  The Bears did not disappoint.  My dad was glued to the television the entire game.  However,an hour or so before the game I got the urge.  Alcohol came calling and I obeyed. 

I have always regretted not being able to spend that evening with my dad as he cheered on his favorite pro sports team.  It was not the first and it would not be the last of many regrets and disappointments that were a product of my weakness and the overwhelming power that alcohol had on me.

Alcohol robs and destroys.  It's soothing effects only last a few hours but it's sting and remorse linger for decades on end!      

ONE drink

My sobriety is your sobriety.  It is ONE drink that separates us.  ONE drink that divides misery and peace.  ONE drink means remorse or joy.  ONE drink can ultimately determine life or death.

That ONE drink is the first drink and it is the one that we need to overcome and eliminate.      

What's up with that!

Making the same mistake over and over again is called ALCOHOLISM.  Friday night would come and go and along with it went my entire paycheck.  That was just one of many things that caused me painful remorse each and every Monday morning. 

I once estimated (conservatively) that throughout my 22 years of drinking I spent about $180,000 on alcohol!  That's a lot of potatoes!!!

Hide and seek

Under the influence is where I hid for over two decades.  It wasn't until I found myself trapped between life and death that I decided to give recovery a try.  Above the influence is where I now fight my battles.  I got here because of recovery and the grace of God.

Choose

Did alcohol choose me or did I choose alcohol?  I do remember that feelings of pain and inadequacy were nicely extinguished by my first experience with alcohol.  The soothing effects would quickly control who I was and how I functioned by day and by night.

I suppose that in the beginning alcohol found me but I did everything I could to make sure that alcohol never let me out of it's sight.  The choice to finally divorce alcohol was not a choice but a form of survival and  instinct.  The instinct to remain alive and never again be tormented by alcohol and it's blind fury. 

The ingredients needed to make sobriety

Prayer got me sober and prayer has kept me sober.  Doing more for others than I do for myself.  A personal relationship with God.  And a massive dose of honesty and the end of each day.

Alcohol ruled

I helped myself to what ever I pleased courtesy of the bottle.  Without the aid of remorse I would have never known anything was wrong!

Get there and stay there

Get into recovery NOW!  Get into recovery and stay there no matter hard it becomes or how long it takes.  Recovery is not only a place where we stay for a short duration of time.  It is a frame of mind, a temporary way of life, a spiritual awakening and a time to heal.  But the most important thing to remember is recovery is the only way to get to sobriety.

Born under the influence

Sobering up today will not only change your life forever, but it could eventually help sober somebody up who has yet to be born.

All men...

All men are sinners, but not all men are drinkers.  We tend to have enough challenges in our daily lives without puting alcohol into the mix and making things worse.

When in recovery...

Act as if you have already made it!  On a sunny day act as if.  On a cloudy day act as if.  All the strength you will ever need comes from God.  Daily prayer will take you to Him.

Who I am?

Way back when I never knew who I was until I slammed back a few drinks.  My existence and self-image hinged on my next drink along with the size of my most recent drunk.  The sadness of each day was my dependence on a substance which was completely foreign and offensive to my soul.  

Honesty

If we cannot be completely honest about our drinking problem at days end then drunkenness is certain within 24 hours.

Who is to blame?

 A walk without purpose can only be called wandering.  We acquire that walk when we submit to the drunkenness of the bottle.  Days so long, nights so short and our lives will forever be a constant blur. 

Blame it on the bottle.  Blame it on the bottle.  In the end we suffer the most.

Prayer

When motivation and inspiration abandon you call on prayer to get you through.

Prayer

Prayer is a powerful coping skill that available twenty-four hours a day for the rest of your life.

Recovery is...

Recovery is the long road that takes you far away from drunkenness.

I'm too sober...

I'm too sober NOT to care about your recovery.  Let me know how I can help
jaysdesk@jaykolo.com

The truth about cats and dogs...

The truth about cats and dogs is they would never drink and drive.  Their loyalty far exceeds their selfish needs.

Drinking and driving

Driving drunk over a thousand times is still the most shameful part of my life.  If you drink and drive and get away with it you still lose eventually.   

The truth about quiting

The truth about quiting is that alcohol turned me into a quitter.  I quit countless jobs and relationships.  I even quit on myself.  The only thing I could not quit was ALCOHOL itself.  Alcohol takes away every fiber of our strength, will power, reasoning and courage.  In the end alcohol ruled and dominated my life.  It called the shots.  That is why a spiritual fix was the only escape from complete self-destruction. 

My brand of vodka

My brand of vodka was chaos, self-destruction, wandering aimlessly and long periods of depression and hopelessness.  If this does not sound that appealing to you give sobriety a try.

Examine the contents

We need to realize that hope, courage and common sense do not pour from the bottle.

THANK YOU

Thank you for helping me by allowing me to help you!  That is what true sobriety is all about.

Just don't drink!

Sometimes your life is going to be plain ugly.  On those days the best you can do is put your hands in your pocket, shut your mouth and just don't drink!!

It may no be a thing of beauty, but it works, and it keeps you away from the bottle.  The day after is usually a very good day.  Hang tough everybody.

Up to the challenge

My life as of late has been full of challenges.  God it seems is really testing me.  Because I no longer rely on the bottle to get me through, I am confident, I can overcome whatever challenges I might face.

Hope

Without hope the bottle has all of the power.  Hope can most often be found on your knees.

Sobriety

Recovery is just a prayer away.  After that the long journey towards sobriety begins.  I'll send you a postcard when I arrive.  The journey so far has been magnificent!!

King

I come from a world where I made alcohol king.  I gave alcohol absolute power.  It controlled and consumed me.  It picked me up and slammed me down.  I turned my back on it only to come crawling back everytime.  It chased away everyone I ever loved.  I adored it's power and worshipped it's soothing bliss.  I awoke one day from a twenty year drunk and realized that my life was in ruin and my king had betrayed me. 

Only the love and mercy of a true king could bring me back to my original journey.  That king was my creator.  That creator was God.

The struggle

My struggle became my salvation.  My time in darkness became my testimony which leads others away from the dark and into the light.  My fight in recovery is what gave me the muscle I needed to fend off the bottle when it attempted to push me around.

Embrace the challenges that rock you while in recovery.  Alcohol will hate you for it!

SIN

Sin is enslaving and alcohol abuse is one of sin's strongest shackles!

Courage

It takes a lot of courage to get sober and stay sober.  The thing about alcohol is it takes away our courage and we become spineless over the years.  That is where support groups such as AA can really help. 

Becoming sober is one of the hardest things you'll ever do.  The only thing harder is dying a drunk! 

Getting hitched

I did not get married until I was nearly forty.  When I look back on it I guess I was married to the bottle at the age of thirteen.  It was a catastrophic marriage that lasted nearly twenty-two years!

Denial

Denial is the calling card of Satan.

Something in common

My very first drunk and last drunk had something in common.  They both brought me to my knees!!

Thrilling

My constant drinking was as thrilling as being stranded on a busy highway.

Power struggle

My pain and remorse where no match for my desire to drink, drink, drink!!!

How it came to be

In the beginning I drank because I had nothing to do.  After that I drank because it was all that I knew how to do.

Overwhelming desire

If I wasn't drinking I was thinking about drinking.  I was totally consumed by what I loved to consume the most! 

Dead drunk...

Dead drunk is where I would be today had I not invited God into my life sixteen years ago!

Just trust

If you want to find permanent sobriety JUST TRUST GOD from your knees!!!  All the doctors, psychologists, priests or medication in the world did not do me a bit of good until I decided to just trust God!

Alcohol got the best of me

During the twenty-two years that I drank alcohol certainly got the best of me.  My money, my time, my talent, my employment, my hope, my dreams, my health, my peace, my relationships, my clothing, my shelter, my friends, my family, my car, my drivers license, my credit rating, my self-respect, my education, my military career, my waistline, my sex drive, my teeth and most of all my relationship with God!

What has alcohol taken from you?

Forget about it

There is something about ourselves that we choose to forget.  We turn our back on a painful experience and alcohol is the cement that buries it forever.  Alcohol then keeps us in a state of mind where the possible seems impossible.  Where hope takes a back seat to doubt and misery.  Our level of normalcy takes a nosedive and we are forever limited to momentary joy and artificial bliss.  Life as it was intended to be cannot exist.

This is what becomes of us when we refuse to look at ourselves honestly.  This is what becomes of us when we allow alcohol to be our master.

Stop yelling at me!

A drunk cried out to me the other day.  "Stop yelling at me, you don't know what I am going through!"

The way I see it is he does not know what I am going through.  It's called sobriety!!

Getting ahead

You will never get ahead if you are always trying to get even!

Darkness

It is what I learn about myself in the darkness that I shout out to you in the light!  It is the darkness that is my defining moment!

Drunk

First a tear,
then a drink.
Laughter rules the night.
For a spell all is well.
Right becomes terribly wrong.
Self-destruction becomes the norm.
Remorse is a state of mind.
Nights turn into years.
Hope retreats
and doom is a constant shadow.
Drinking dominates both day and night.
Peace and joy do not exist
and denial is now in charge.
Recovery is the only road out of hell.

Addiction allows no conscience

An iron fist flows from the bottle.
A cry of hunger is illuminated from the sun.
A shadow of doubt comes from a promise.
Words so bold that shame ceases to exist.
Cry after the anger subsides.
Alcohol has taken what you have not.
Rob from the rich for you are the poor.
In your mind a king exists within.
A mother's deep love for her son.
Society despises a man who adores himself.
His disease and burden have become his riches.
No wealth has he who knows no God.

A poem

I scorch under the heat of doom.
No way out but through Him.
Life is distant, death is near.
I laugh and turn up the heat.
The bottle belongs to me and I to it.
Tears know my face all to well.
Another day comes and goes and with it remorse.
Shame follows the rising of the sun.
My life, my love.
I long to drink.  I long to drink.   
 

UGLY!!

Make no mistake about it recovery is down right UGLY!!  The ugliest period of my life was when I was getting sober.  It was even uglier than when I was drinking!!  It was however a very necessary process.  I had to develop several coping skills that would eventually rescue me from the call of the bottle.

A well worked recovery, no matter how ugly is vital if we are to enjoy long permanent sobriety.

Where I used to be

The bottle has caught up with me, my bottom has not.  In between lies painful self-destruction!

Why

I drink because I can.  I drink because I cannot stop.  I drink because it is all I know. 

It's all an act

Let's stop acting like everything is alright because it's NOT!!  The farthest thing from the truth is an alcoholic with a drink I his hand. 

Burden

Our burden is alcohol.  It keeps us from being all that we can be.  It takes away our ability to dream.  It leads us down a narrow painful road of self-destruction and lack.  Alcohol is most definitely our burden. 

I lived with this burden for over two decades.  I got down on my knees one day and asked God to take away my pain!  He took away my desire to drink.  My burden was alcohol.  I was allowing it to slowly kill me.  I was worthless to myself and others.  Today my self and social worth is much higher.

I owe it all to the absence of alcohol from my life!

Mornings remorse

The morning sun erupts.
My spirit sags.
My soul is without compass.
Alcohol my guide leaves me to die.
In a field no longer full of promise.
On the side of the road without hope.
Beaten beyond recognition.
I now see beyond me.
I see all that I leave.
I leave shame and pain.
To those who loved me most.
I loved back with nothing.
So blind was I to see a reflection of me.
Morning erupts and shatters the night.
and not far behind the pieces of a life dissolve into a lost day. 

Let's do it together

Hope to see many of you in the coming year!  I will be attending and speaking at many conferences dealing with alcoholism, recovery and sobriety.  Let's do it together!  Sobriety...the new must have!! 

Remorse

A morning of agonizing remorse seemed to have set me straight.  I cried and asked myself why?  I vowed to never do it that way again.  This time I meant business!  Somehow as the night moved upon me I found myself powerless and looking to rock.  Within hours alcohol was flowing and once again running the show.  Remorse had little if any power over the mighty intoxicant called alcohol!

Moments

Some of the most precious moments in my life are a result of permanent sobriety.  Simple, precious, heart warming, memorable and sober.  This is a huge chunk of my life the past sixteen years.

During the days of drink & drunk I could not manufacture the joy that now greets me with daily regularity.

Motivation

Sick and tired is sometimes the greatest motivator of all!

6X9

I was fortunate enough to put the bottle down in time.  I was sober for nearly six years when my dad passed.  I held his hand bedside, in the hospital as the moments to his life came to an end.  He looked directly into my eyes those final moments.  He had a look of peace and serenity.  He smiled at me and I knew he was showing me his approval.  I was grateful that he was able to see me put the bottle down and do something with my life.  His passing was not as painful as it would have been if I was still out there drinking up a storm.

The sad part is that my younger brother was still out there.  He was drinking and drugging to the point where it got him sent to prison.  He had to learn of my fathers death from inside of his 6X9 prison cell.  If only he had thought ahead.

How far ahead you ask?  About five minutes!  In the next five minutes all you need to do is get down on your knees and ask God to come into your life and remove the desire to drink!  That simple decision to go to God with your illness should take you to a place far away from the torture of daily alcoholic bliss. 

That place is called sobriety!    

Holiday weekend

The holiday weekend is upon us.  For me everyday was a holiday when I drank.  And when I didn't drink, days became hell!  After years of drinking, I knew no other way to function.  Drinking was equal to breathing and drinking was suffocating me to death!  My last gasp came in the form of a prayer. 

Now my holidays are filled with family, joy and peace.  I eat, love, laugh and sleep.  And when I wake up, I know where I have been and I ask God, to show me where to go.  I love my life as it now is and wonder, how, I ever survived what once was. 

My newest book

My newest book is entitled 'The Killer Within Me" is underway and will be available for purchase by the holidays!

Blinded

Too blind to realize the strength we have inside.
Too blind to love as we are loved.
Too blind to know what hope is all about.
Too blind to run, run, run from the bottle.
Too blind too sense our last day approaching.
Too blind to see the pain we inflict.
Too blind are we without joy.
Too blind to know that healing exists.
Too blind to see that God is love 

TIME

There is no calendar or clock when you drink.  Drunkeness is just one big continuation of pain, confusion, fear and self-destruction.  To drink is to die!  At it's best to drink is to die in slow motion while everyone is watching!

Spiritual desire

Since I was a child I longed for something out of this world.  Meaning, knowledge, understanding, a connection.  When I stumbled upon my first drink at age thirteen I was certain I had found all of the above at the bottom of the bottle.  Twenty-one years later that constant exploration into that bottle nearly caused me to take my life.

Helpless, hopeless and clueless I relunctantly decided to give God a try.  What I found was so amazing, so peaceful, so secure, that the desire to drink was gone for good.  The spirit of God is love, grace, courage, knowledge and joy.  I am so grateful that I found God and invited him into my life.  Even today when I stray I find myself confused, angered and empty. 

God is all we need to overcome that which robs us of joy, hope, ability and love for one another.  Invite God into your life TODAY!!!   

GOD IS THE REASON

It is true, I have not had a drink in the past 16 years.  There was a time I could not make it 16 days without a drink.  I tried everything and anything to stop.  Therapy, medication, AA, self-help, etc...  Nothing worked until I invited God into my life.  Nothing worked until I surrendered to God and let Him run each and every day.  Nothing worked until prayer became a daily ritual.

After I allowed God to be in charge everything worked and worked quite well.  I give all the credit to God.  He has blessed me more than I deserve. 

THANK YOU GOD!!

Sunrise

Sunrise was that pivotal part of the day when bloodshot eyes said good-bye to the security of darkness.  It was also when I realized that I truly could not put the bottle down. 

Last man standing,
with pain in my heart,
confusion in my head,
and a future as uncertain as my next drunk. 

Mornings remorse

The most painful part of any drunk for me was mornings remorse.  I was slowly slipping away into a shortened life of confusion, pain and denial.  In the end mornings remorse was the best friend I had.  It was the one intangible that saved me from going completely over the edge.

GOT GOD!

Gave God a shot and gave myself a chance!  Found strength within that alcohol never allowed me to know I had.  When I stray, I stumble and fall.  But love and forgiveness pick me up and place me back on track.  My testimony is simply God's Grace.  And that is a wonderful place to be!

Gut feeling

Even before my first drink there was something very wrong.  I was heading to a bad place.  Alcohol just helped me get there.  Once there, alcohol made sure I did not leave.  It took away all ability, hope, drive, desire and decency.  
Now after 16 years I am back to where I started.  This time instead of giving myself to alcohol I am going to surrender to God and let Him take me where he needs me most.  

REALITY

Sobriety is the real deal.  Anything else is a bad drunk!

The ism

I am no more like you,
than you are like me.
I am one,
be it one of many.
Of too many who know no end.
Whither and die in a suspended state.
I drag through another day,
while time marches by.
I am of old,
I am controlled
by that which consumes me.
I run, I fear, I rejoice, I cry.
I am reminded by remorse of a better time.
A time that shall always be out of focus.
A time that forever shall be a distant memory.
Seek not a solution,
but rather a hostile end to a torn soul.  

Prayer

My day always begins with a little prayer.  How else do you think I've been able to stay away from alcohol for 16 years?  God is my sobriety!

Silence

Silence is what I hear when alcohol is no longer beating at my door.  Silence is peace.  Silence is direction and hope.  Silence is food, shelter and clothing.  Silence is sobriety.  Silence is love and that love is a gift from God!

Alcohols firm grasp

No soul exists when I drink.
Thoughts of corruption and power flow with the spirit known as alcohol.
I listen to no one with all my might.
I face each day with diluted dreams.
Fear so toxic I tremble upon the rising of the sun.
Hope so dismal darkness is all I see.
An existence so nocturnal I long for a better way.
My life, my bottle we are one in the same.
Pictures on the wall tell a different story.
A story so far away from where I am now.
I have lost my home, I have lost my soul.

All I wanna do is drink

That was how I felt for years.  All I wanted to do was drink.  Drink when I was happy, sad, hungry, angry, lost, depressed, anxious and so on.  I drank when I had money and when I was broke.  I drank at home, at work, on the weekends and during the week.  Sometimes I didn't drink for weeks at all (just to prove to myself i was okay).

I was anything but okay because alcohol was in charge of my life, my dreams, my future, even my after life.  DRINKING WAS KILLING ME!

Temptation

Even after 16 years away from it all I stumble upon a certain type of bad day that gets me thinking.  I get into a mood where for just a fraction of a second I think about throwing it all away for a drink.  Actually not a drink, but a DRUNK!!  Before anymore time elapses I shout out loud "what the hell am I thinking???"

Coping skills are crucial if any of us are going to enjoy long term sobriety.  Treatment got me away from the drink and coping skills keep me away.

Alcohol speaks

Several weeks into treatment the glow of my early recovery was shattered when alcohol started going to work on my thoughts.  How am I possibly going to stay sober for the rest of my life?  If I am at a wedding what will I do when the best man toasts the newly married couple?  How about my birthday which falls on St. Patricks day?

Alcohol was attempting to call me back.  And I came close to answering the call.  All I can say is that over the course of time I was able to develop some pretty amazing coping skills.  They would be more than enough to keep alcohols call out of ear range.  Trust me on this! 

All that I have become

I shudder at the thought of you.
You take my breath away.
Without hope I welcome you with open arms.
An angry tongue is first to make your acquaintance.
I live for no one, I live for you.
Take me away from here, take me with you.
Direction is something I lack and peace is what I seek.
Be with me then until the last day.
When I end, the innocent shall forever bear my pain.
I see you, I taste you, I feel you...
My soul is forever lost.

How bad was it?

After just seven days sober I wondered if things were really that bad.  Was drinking ruining my life?  Do I belong here in treatment?  Should I sign myself out? 

Well, lets see. I was 34 years old.  A high school drop out.  I had a serious drunken car crash at the age of 18.  I was kicked out of the navy at age 20.  Got a job bartending at the age of 21( longest job I ever worked).  Spent serious time in and out of mental institutions in my teens and twenties.  Suffered terribly from depression.  Drank before I paid the rent or bought food.  Never had a serious relationship with a female.  Found myself constantly homeless.  Never had a bank account.  Lost my drivers license several times.  Had few possessions ( most of what I owned fit neatly in a backpack).  Tried several times to commit suicide.  Ran out of friends and family.  I would have abandoned myself if I could.

Yes, I think alcohol had a very negative influence on my life and treatment was exactly where I needed to be, and for a lot longer than seven days!!

Getting into it

After the initial shock and fear wore off, I actually got into sharing my feelings with others.  I am not talking about the war stories, but the actual isolation, pain, fear and self-destruction that shadow every alcoholic.  The intense sharing actually brought me to a better understanding of how out of control I had been over the years. 

Where had time gone?  Where had I been hiding?  Why had I been hiding?  How am I going to climb out of this enormous hole that was created by 22 years of alcoholic bliss?

These were just some of the questions that danced around my head at night as I tried to sleep.

There is NO WAY!

When I arrived to treatment I just kept staring at the calendar.  There was NO WAY I was going to be able to do this.  But I also knew if I did not go through with this I would be back out there drinking within a few days.  And while drinking had always meant innocent drunkenness I was certain that now to drink was to die!

I figured I at least needed to hang around this place for a few days while I contemplated my next move.  The alcoholic in me was doing the thinking and the fear in me was doing the talking.  A combination like that was not going to be good for anybody!

In the beginning

Those few days in a regular hospital were days of leisure.  Three tasty meals, a clean bed and friendly staff.  When they informed me I was being sent to a long term treatment facility my heart sank and the alcoholic in me took over.  Suddenly the fear of killing myself disappeared.  I actually thought I could make it in the regular world despite my obsession with alcohol.  Recovery and sobriety all of a sudden seemed like a bad idea.  I knew I had the option of signing myself out against medical advice.  Every single brain cell urged me to do so.  Then, I thought to myself, that all of those brain cells had long since been under direct orders from the boss himself.  That boss was alcohol!

Minutes from death!!

16 years ago tonight I found myself minutes from death.  Actually what appeared to be my final moments turned out to be the last time I would take a drink.  Tomorrow August 10, 2011 I will celebrate 16 years away from the bottle.  That is 16 years sober!  There was a time when I could not stop drinking for 16 days. 

That frightful night 16 years ago was a night filled with failure and fear.  Alcohol just quit working for me.  I could not get drunk enough to stifle the pain that was spinning around inside of my mind.  I felt that suicide was the only way out.  I was 34 years old, alone, penniless, nearly homeless and without hope.  I had allowed alcohol to do quite a number on me.  And now I was paying for it emotionally.  I had hit a painful, dark and seemingly inescapable bottom!

As I mentioned death seemed to be the only way out.  But alcohol had done something else to me.  It had turned me into a coward.  Now I was too scared to live and too scared to die.  I was stuck in a horrible crevice.  I then cried out to God for help!!  I would soon realize that what I was doing was praying.  It was the first time I had prayed in years. 

I was emotionally drained.  It was about 2am and I passed out on the floor of the damp and dingy basement room that I was renting by the week.  When I awoke I could not believe I was still alive.  I shot up, got dressed and walk furiously down the street.  Thirty minutes later I walked into a local emergency room.  I told the nurse that I could not stop drinking and was having strong thoughts of suicide.  It was the first time in years I had been honest with another human being.  Within 48 hours I was taken by ambulance to a treatment facility to begin a long term rehab. I had been down this road before but this time something was different.  This time I meant business.  I wanted to LIVE!  And I wanted to be SOBER!  That's how it was 16 years ago.

In the coming weeks I will blog about my early days in recovery.  I hope you will be here right by my side.      

Drama free zone

Our cat lived!! Nothing but a nasty bladder infection.  Long live Spencer the cat.  We did not have to put him down after all.  Sobriety has gotten me through yet another crisis!  16 years ago I would have not been able to face such an obstacle without a beer in my hand and a shot glass nearby.  My life is filled with many obstacles.  They never seem to go away.  But being sober allows me correct thought and proper reaction to the most difficult of situations.  I am so grateful for sobriety.  I love my life even on the worst days.  The thing I never seem to miss is the constant drama that once was a part of my life.  That drama disappeared the moment I put the bottle down.  

The pain of sobriety

Sobriety has blessed me with a wife, two children, a dog and three cats.  Not to mention a promising career, excellent health along with love and joy.  But these blessings come with a price.

Back when I drank it was just me.  I lived for me, with me and entirely by myself.  My emotions were shut off to the world.  As I blog tonight our ten year old angora cat named Spencer is slowly dying.  He most likely is down to his last few hours.  He has been with us longer than any of our other pets.

The pain and sadness I now feel could not have happened when I drank.  Nothing happened when I drank.  I had no chance of experiencing loss because I had no love.  No love for myself or anyone else.  Spencer has brought me a great deal of joy over the years.  And sobriety has allowed me to feel that joy in a way that alcohol never could or would. 

When I drank my soul was a shipwreck.  But today my tears offer living proof that sobriety's pain is far better than any tranquility that alcohol attempts to deliver.     

This is it!

Sobriety is where you will make friendships you could have never imagined.  You will mend fences you did not know were broke and you will realize a level of joy that few ever experience.  Of course to find sobriety you have to stumble through a pain filled process known as recovery.  During this process alcohol will whisper in your ear to come back.  Temptation will emotionally abuse you and confusion will be your constant shadow. 

Remain strong, don't give in and never, ever allow alcohol to poison your future again! 

Sobriety

Sobriety...the great escape from an otherwise dismal life and early death!

A change of heart

I am backing off my plans (for now at least) to resurrect my show on Blog Talk Radio.  I have thought about it and I feel at this time my time is best spent right here blogging and also I am devoting more time as a writer and contributor each month for Serene Scene magazine.  To learn more you can visit http://www.serenecenter.com/

Geography

Drunkenness is a deserted island where no man can share a thought, a tear, love or joy with another.  We seek to be with ourselves and only answer to the commands of our addiction.

Sobriety is a tropical paradise brimming with the love and joy of those who share what we go through to distance ourselves from that which torments and controls.  Those who have been placed in our path are truly there by the grace of God.

No man need be an island.   

Going live!

Going live once again on Blog Talk Radio starting Wednesday, August 10th at 11:30pm (central time).  Visit me live or listen the the archive.  I will have more details and specifics this weekend! 

A coward and a killer

Alcohol hides behind many things as it kills talented, beautiful people.  Alcohol hides behind heart disease, high blood pressure, kidney ailments, liver disease, anxiety, depression and suicide just to name a few.

Alcohol is a cowardly killer.  Put this disease to rest today by putting down the bottle immediately and getting the help you need to remain alcohol free forever!

HOPE

Without hope I would still be a drunken disaster.  Daily prayer gave me the hope I so desperately needed!

Truth talk

The truth about cats and dogs is that they don't drink.  We drink, and when we do, we act like animals. 

Truth talk

For over two decades I thought my best friend was alcohol.  I couldn't have been more wrong!

Truth talk

Drunkenness is taking a perfectly healthy situation and pissing on it.

Without hope...

Without hope what's the point?  That is what alcohol did.  It took away my hope.  When I put the bottle down for good I found hope through daily prayer and a personal relationship with God.  My desire to drink was no more. 

Here's to your health

Went to the ER this week with discomfort in my chest.  Yes, I actually thought I might be having a heart attack!  Fear ran through my blood when the doctor asked me to stay overnight for tests.  As it turned out, my problem was nothing more than a severe sour stomach.  My heart passed the entire battery of tests!  In fact my cholesterol and several other key risk factors tested excellent.  I also had a CT scan to check for blockage in and around my heart.  I scored a zero out of 2000!  My doctor explained that my heart was functioning as well as an 18 year old male.  I had no plaque build up what so ever!  I am 50 years old.  I go to the gym everyday.  In fact I have not missed a day at the gym since December 25th, 2009!  That is approaching 600 consecutive days of vigorous exercise.

The gift of health is just another example of God's grace in my life.  I shudder to think what my life or my health would be had I not turned away from alcohol in 1995.  Fifteen years ago I did not give a hoot about health.  I sure do now.  If your planning on being a part of this earth for awhile put the bottle down now!  Alcohol may not kill, but it most definitely shortens lives, stings the soul and takes the quality out of our remaining days.

The way it is

"None so blind as those who will not see".

This simple quote describes my denial to the letter.  When I drank, I did not think.  Thinking was drinking.  Reasoning was drinking.  Sadness was drinking,  Happiness was drinking.  Everything in my life revolved around drinking.  East, west, life, death, north & south.  It was all about the drink.  I just did not see who I was or what was happening to me.

One painful day I saw myself as others had seen me for years.  I opened my eyes and did not like what I saw.  It made me ill.  All the alcohol in the world could not erase the image I now had of myself

Something had to be done.  Something had to be done!

The best of days

August 10, 1995 was the best day of my life!  It started with a net worth of zero, blackout drinking, painful depression, crippling fear, severe thoughts of suicide, a harsh rock bottom and just enough strength to get up on my knees and ask God for help.  It was truly when my sobriety was born.

Too bad Amy Winehouse never had a day this good.

A time to love

In early recovery I hated myself so much that permanent sobriety had little, if any chance of happening.  Then one day, I realized while praying that I needed to accept myself.  Accept who I was, who I had been and who I was going to become.  In time, I began liking myself.  Eventually, I loved myself to the point where I could love others.  This is when my recovery ended and sobriety took over. 

Moderation

Food, sex, anger and other nasty habits all tried to take the place of alcohol during my recovery.  But it was God and daily prayer that kept me on a clean path of moderation.

Getting it right

My behavior was rather bizarre even after I put down the bottle.  But that is what recovery is all about.

Straight up!

I drank to forget.  But in the end I could hardly remember.  Alcohols biggest toll is the emotional pain we must endure.

Straight up!

Verbal abuse was my weapon of choice during my drinking days.  This is a pattern I work hard not to slip back into.  I know over the years I have deeply hurt those who love me most and for that I shall forever be sorry.

Straight up!

To grow up does not mean to sober up! 

Straight up!

Several times when I was drinking I would check myself into a treatment center because I had no where else to go.  Sobering up was the farthest thing from my mind.  I just wanted to lay low, eat and spend a few weeks in a nice warm bed.  The alcoholic in me did not see the harm or illness in that type of thinking.

The alcoholic in me was dead wrong and I almost paid the price for that twisted logic with my life!

Straight up!

It might not be our fault that we drink the way we do but it is our responsibility to do something about it!

That something is recovery, God and ultimately permanent sobriety.  

Straight up!

If we are not completely honest with ourselves, and God while in recovery, we are not in recovery at all!

Honesty is the most important part of a successful recovery.  Without it recovery itself does not exist! 

Straight up!

One thing about recovery.  Don't expect it to tickle!

Recovery is tough, painful and grueling.  But most of all for a guy like me recovery was necessary!! 

Straight up!

During my early recovery (and I'm talking about the first three or four years).  Besides remaining alcohol free I considered it a miracle that I had not killed anyone!  My anger during that time period was out of control.  Dealing with life on life's terms without the aid of alcohol drove me to the brink of emotional catastrophe. 

Daily prayer got me through.  The grace of God placed many people in my path who were able to inspire and enlighten me.  I soon would discover serenity and hope.  That was all I needed to find the composure and confidence to continue on the road to recovery. 

Not even close to being perfect

Even after nearly 16 years away from the bottle I have days (even weeks) that leave me scratching my head.  I am not even close to being perfect.  I have hope and that is a good thing.  I wish I had more faith.

One thing that I do have after all of these years is problems in areas where before I did not even have areas!  Think about it.

Recovery

Sometimes someone just seems to come along with the exact words we needed to hear to make it yet another day.

That is what recovery is all about.

My drug of choice

Turmoil was my drug of choice and alcohol kept a steady stream of turmoil in my life.  A life lived in constant inebriation and overindulgence cannot survive. 

Put the bottle down and get into recovery today.  It is a long road that eventually leads to sobriety. 

A THOUGHT...

Innocent blood to often spills when we choose to drive drunk!!  You don't have to be an alcoholic to drive drunk.  Irresponsible and stupid are the only requirements.

A THOUGHT...

The soothing effects of alcohol will never come close to what God has in store for us!!

I found it...

I had been searching for sobriety for many years.  I finally found it when I hit rock bottom.  I had to get knocked down to the lowest imaginable point before I could see it.

Sobriety is always there if you stop and clear your eyes of alcohol and take a good look.  

Let's go there!

The "seldom visited" otherwise known as permanent sobriety.  We alcoholics have three places we can hang out.  Drunkenness, recovery or permanent sobriety.  The sad fact is most alcoholics constantly visit recovery and then turn around and head back to drunkenness. 
The seldom visited side.  A place where most alcoholics belong, but few ever get there.  Permanent sobriety.  Let's go there! 

God's grace

The other day I saw my ten year old son praying in silence and attempting to say the rosary.  A sight like that would never have been possible if I had not sobered up sixteen years ago.  What a gift!  What a beautiful sight!  God's grace produces incredibly beautiful sights indeed.

What has God envisioned for your life on the sober side??

How I cope

I am removed from drunkenness just enough to be dangerous.  Removed from the pain, fear and confusion that comes, when it is impossible, to put the bottle away for any length of time.  Dangerous because all it will ever take to set me off is one single, innocent drink.  With this in mind, I realize, that for the rest of my life there is no such thing as an innocent drink!

Through daily personal prayer, I arm myself with the knowledge, that if I seek to serve the Lord more than I seek to be served any desire to drink will be greatly diminished.  So diminished in fact that the temptation to think about drinking ceases to exist in the area of my brain that for many years was under the influence of constant inebriation.

Numbers that I think about

I often think about how long I have been sober.  Many alcoholics say that they are only sober "one day at a time".  Good for them!!  I like to look at the big picture.  I have been sober nearly 6000 days!  That is a lot of time away from the bottle considering for over 20 years I could not stay away from alcohol more than 6 days.

God's grace is awesome even if we truly don't deserve it.  Praise The Lord for blessing me with nearly 6000 one day at a times!!

Get going with your count today.  Ask The Lord to show you how!

All washed up!

Wash away my troubles, wash away my pain. 

This was what I thought alcohol would do for me in the beginning.  My troubles and pain were too much for me, so I happily employed the services of alcohol.  In so doing, it was like pouring gasoline over an open flame.  My life was out of control!

Putting down that bottle long enough to get into recovery and develop coping skills was finally, how I managed, to wash away all of that trouble and pain!

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!

HAVE A BLAST!!!  That is something I can easily do each and every holiday.  The best part is I can do it without the aid or assistance of alcohol.  I laugh, I cry, I love with the many special people who have become a part of my life since I walked away from alcohol.  There was dark and dismal time when I could not imagine life without alcohol.  Today however is bright and with much joy.  I cannot possibly imagine alcohol ever being a part of my life again!

If I can do it through the grace of God you most certainly can too! 

84 years and counting...

I have an 84 year old aunt.  Her father, my grandfather passed away 45 years ago.  He was a cruel drunk.  His words and actions brought her to tears when she was a little girl, a teenager and even as a middle aged woman.  The fact is, even though my grandfather has been dead nearly a half century, the memory of his words still brings my aunt to tears.

We alcoholics do not realize how our drinking affects others.  Nor do we realize how long the bottle torments those who love us the most. 

Sometimes long after we are gone our alcoholism is still causing tears.    

Getting back on track

I found myself at 6am on the corner of Grand and Harlem and I wondered "how did I get here"?
I found myself ready to end it all and I wondered "how do I get out of here"?

If we find ourselves in a place that is too dismal to support life itself, shout out to God from the heart, and He will lift you up, and place you, where you were supposed to be before alcohol lured you on a soggy detour.

Life at the brink

Too much fear.
Too much pain.
Too many tears.
Too little food.
Too few friends who knew my name.
Not enough hope.
Dreams that disappeared.
Anger and frustration were
the only abundance.
Confusion, doubt, shame
also followed me.
Too many thoughts of suicide danced in my head.
It took everything I had to get on my knee's.
It was the place to be
in order to chase away the desire to drink!

The killer within me...

The killer within me is the reason I choose to pray everyday!  I have said this before and it still holds true.  Without prayer I become further from God.  When there is distance between me and God alcohol can sneak back into my life.  Alcohol is something that given the chance will always dominate my life.  It has the power to turn me into a killer.  Back when I drank I drove drunk more than a thousand times!  That is something that cannot be allowed to happen again.

That is why prayer is the most powerful tool I have readily available to help me maintain my joy, sobriety and spiritual connection with God.

Drunkenness is...

Drunkenness is a state of mind fueled by alcohol.  What drives us to reach for alcohol to achieve this state of mind is what recovery is all about.

Recovery and sobriety

Recovery is...hardcore, brutal, honest, emotional, grueling, painful, scary, lonely, gut-wrenching, enlightening, hopeful and necessary.

Sobriety is...love, warm, secure, joyful, bliss, confidence, giving, selfless, healthy, spiritual, gratitude and most of all it is permanent! 

This is sobriety

And even though I may leave you, know this.
Hope is the best thing that I have never known.
The hope that someday life becomes joy.
And I will know, what I do not know now.
A day so bright without need to squint.
A moment so harsh yet I withstand it's fury.
How did I get here, but from on my knee's.
God's grace equals His compassion.
I stand for all the world to see as testimony.
Love creates the eternity of healing. 

A modest thought

When it comes to sobriety 'modesty' is the best policy.  The only big dream I have these days is to serve God!

Hidden Pain

Stop breathing, turn cold and die.
That which I desire leads me to a shallow grave.
Unable to find tomorrow,
for tomorrow is the seed of sobriety.
Happiness flows downhill, life follows.
Wander to walk off the pain.
Hurt from the heart cripples all thought.
True love unable,
for my soul does not exist.
The external hides the internal.
God as my Creator take me at my word,
from thy knees and heal me.
Heal me, heal me!

A THOUGHT...

The only shameful thing about God's grace is never allowing yourself to experience it.

A THOUGHT

If I still did things my way I would still be miserable and drinking. 

Give God a chance.

Give yourself the sobriety you deserve!

To pray is to heal

To love a substance more than life itself.
To never know myself on the inside.
Too much time has gone by.
Too little joy exists within.
To see beyond the blindness of my fears is hope.
Too many tears tell a dismal tale.
Too much of a good thing has taken me far, far away from my creator.
To realize that a good thing is only the opinion of my addiction.
To wait too long is to die.
To get on my knees immediately is to survive.

A THOUGHT...

Science has come to the conclusion that God does not exist.  Satan thinks otherwise.  If Satan acknowledges the existence of God why can't you?

My sobriety would not be what it is today without God's grace.  In fact my recovery began because God was there when I needed Him most.  God is ready to take you away from alcohol forever if only you ask Him to.

Heavy weight

The weight of years of drinking came crashing down on me one day when I least expected it.  That appeared to be the final day of my life.  As it turned out that was the last day of my life that I took a drink.

That day was nearly 16 years ago.  If I was able to do it SO CAN YOU!!

Coping skills

Coping skills are mans best friend when it comes to permanently avoiding that first drink.  Believe it or not alcohol is a very negative coping skill that we usually stumble upon early in life. 

Positive coping skills can be found in daily prayer, faith in God, church, the Bible, alcoholics anonymous, counseling and therapy just to name a few.

No coping skills, no sobriety.
Know coping skills, know sobriety.
The choice is up to you!  

Emotionally broken

I couldn't take the emotional punishment of alcohol any longer.  That is why I put the bottle down and cried out to God for help.

It's not my call

Even after 16 years away from the bottle I find myself in difficult situations.  Situations I doubt I can overcome without the help of God.  But that's okay because everything in my life is God's call not mine.

I would not have it any other way. 

God is

GOD IS LOVE! 

God is also peace, hope, healing, strength and courage.

God is where you need to be at this moment if it is sobriety you seek!

A THOUGHT...

Success starts the moment you commit to putting down the bottle forever!

After we put the bottle down

After we put the bottle down, we can get that "pick me up" from those who have been there.  God too, is always there to pick us up whenever we need it.  And when we are healed and able to function without the aid of the bottle, we can be there for others who have taken our place.
That is when we we begin to serve God and fulfill our purpose to Him.

Nothing remains

No joy, no hope and dreams that are no longer present.  Friends and family are in hiding.  The money has run out and time no longer waits for you to turn things around.  Nothing remains except another dismal drunk followed by remorse and uncertainty.

Nothing remains except a cry for help in the middle of a cold, dark and lonely day.  All that is left to do is turn your back on your next drink and get down on your knees and pray.  God will do what needs to be done...

Blessings!

Let's hear it!

The best thing about drinking has eluded my memory for the past sixteen years.

Alcohol is a dominant force in the lives of so many who have no hope.

Drunkenness 101

All I knew for over two decades was to drink, get drunk and pick up the pieces.  Daily despair become a way of life.  My level of normalcy took a rather dismal and unhealthy dive.

One day I looked in the mirror and saw myself as others had seen me for years.  That was the most sobering moment of my life!

Three

Three to remember in your quest for sobriety.  God the Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.

Without Them sobriety is just the revolving door of recovery!

Drunk-o-log?

This ain't no drunk-o-log.  Too many of you are current on the war stories of drunkenness.  I would like to share with you what happens on my side.  I will always be an alcoholic but for the past 16 years I have been living on the sober side of alcoholism.

Join me and ask God to show you what permanent sobriety is all about.

My legacy

My legacy isn't a legacy at all.  It is just obedience to God.  God gave me sobriety sixteen years ago and it is a joy to pass that sobriety along to you!

My heart is so full of joy that I ask you to put away the bottle and join me in a life so unbelievable that the desire to drink does not exist!  

I live for you!

I live for you so that you can see what sobriety is all about.  I may not have much, but when I think about it, if I have my sobriety, I have it all.  I have hope, health, love and joy.  I have a chance to serve God and give hope to others years after I no longer roam the earth.

When you have sobriety you truly do have it all.  Live for others by putting down that bottle forever!

My heart is occupied

Sobriety is in my heart because God the Father is in my soul.  Inviting God into your daily life leaves no room for alcohol and it's self-destructive nature.

RUNNING SCARED

I used to run from everything and alcohol was my accomplise. I ran from school, the military, my parents, the courts, doctors, lawyers and priests.  I ran from meaningful relationships.  I even ran from those who loved me dearly.  I was running scared and alcohol nearly caused me to run myself to an early grave.

What positive effect has alcohol had on your life lately?

There I was...

And here I am!  Sober and safe with joy and hope.  Two things that alcohol never provided. 

The seldom visited side

The seldom visited side of alcoholism is a place where dreams are realized and joy is the norm. 

Permanent sobriety is that place and we have many vacancies!!

Just one

One drink is all that separates many of us from joy, laughter, peace, well-being, hope, love and a life that is certainly worth living.

That one drink is the "first drink" and I have been able to stay away from that first drink for nearly sixteen years.  Join me on the seldom visited side of alcoholism.

That side is better known as SOBRIETY!!!

From my knees

At my worst moment I found the strength to get up on my knees and shout out to God for help!

I guess He was listening and for that I am eternally grateful and happy to serve.

Effort

No amount of effort, will power or intelligence will provide you with permanent sobriety.

God's love is a miracle!
God's love is power!
God's love is joy!
God's love is peace!
God's love is yours for the asking and God's love is more than enough to remove the desire for drinking, drunkenness and doom!

Why I drank in the beginning

I hurt inside at the age of thirteen.  I drank in an attempt to make myself feel better.  I tried for the next twenty-one years to erase the pain, to feel better and to undo what alcoholI had done to me.  It only took alcohol two decades to take away my hope, dreams, health, self-esteem, courage, finances, intelligence, good will, smile, joy and in the end it came within moments of taking my life.

I feel much better now and I did it all without the aid of alcohol.

Where to begin

Sobriety does not start at home or in church, nor does it start in treatment.  Sobriety does not start in prison, at work or in school. 

Sobriety starts NOW!!  It starts on your knees and it comes from the heart.  A willingness to change even though the flesh may not want to.  God knows your pain and He knows what the bottle is doing to you.  He will relieve you of that pain and take away the desire to drink if you ask Him to right NOW!!

A THOUGHT...

Recovery is ugly, frightening, but well worth the effort.  Sobriety is the reward for a recovery that was done correctly.

Recovery doesn't tickle, but sobriety will forever leave you smiling. 

Recovery

Recovery is a fight worth fighting, a dream worth dreaming and a lifestyle worth living. 

Tomorrow

Quiting drinking tomorrow to often comes at the expense of the innocent.  Too many times that last drink never happens, but tragedy seems to finds it's way into the alcoholics life, those he loves and sadly the innocent as well.

Do yourself a favor as well as everybody around you.  QUIT DRINKING NOW!!!!!

Coping skills

They are what pick you up and turn you away from alcohol and the desire to drink.  Coping skills that heal, comfort and change lives.  God knows them and so should you!  Get to a place of recovery and find out what they are.  Your sobriety depends on it. 

To drink is to die!

To drink is to die.  For people like you and me this is a fact.  Death is a certainty but when we drink death comes long before we ever have a chance to live. 

Get busy living and stop drinking NOW!!

My eyes were to blood shot to see

My eyes were to blood shot to see.  By soul was to full of sin to realize. 

God had a plan and for nearly twenty-one years I turned away from those plans and held firmly to a bottle of self-destruction, pain and constant fear. 

Living outside the will of God is a place meant for no man!

Take it to the cross

Alcoholism needs to be taken to the cross if it is ever to be removed from our lives!

Here I am...

Here I am with nearly 16 years of sobriety.  It all started on August 10th, 1995 in a place called recovery.  I am here to help!  Contact me anytime at jaysdesk@jaykolo.com

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!

Mothers are the one's who feel the full force impact of each and every drink we alcoholics take.  Their hearts ache when we get liquored up.  Their soul suffers when we stumble for days in a drunken state of self-destruction.  However, they most often remain our last and only friend. 
For many of us who are lucky enough to find permanent sobriety we can ultimately trace our turnaround back to our mothers.  And for that reason, along with many others, we need always be eternally grateful to them.
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY LADIES!!  The world would be dark and dismal without you.

More than just a thought

Pray for those I hate, cherish those I love and in between know that God has a plan for my sober existence.

Saturday night is alright for fighting...

Saturday night is alright for fighting...THE DESIRE TO DRINK!!!  Ask God to remove the "desire to drink" from you tonight. 
Recovery has to start sometime!  What are you waiting for ??

Think about it...

Sobriety is an example many of us need.  Drunkenness is a one way ticket to a dismal statistic.  Become the example and give hope to the statistics!  

Without a doubt

Without a doubt my worst day sober is far better than my best day as a drunk!!

GET TO WORK!!!

Becoming sober is a full-time job with lifetime benefits.  GET TO WORK!

Interested in permanent sobriety???  Ask me how.  My direct email is jaysdesk@jaykolo.com 

REMEMBER THIS...

Nobody enters treatment on a winning streak.

Question and answer time

Alcohol left my heading pounding with too many disturbing questions.

God blesses me with answers that soothe my soul and calm my heart.

True comfort

Drinking did bring me temporary comfort.  But the side effects were self-destruction, anxiety and constant fear.

Turning to God has brought me comfort as well.  The side effects have been peace, joy and a sense of well being!

Now that is true comfort!

MURDERER

That's was the direction I was heading in when I drank!  Each and every time I would get drunk I would drive.  I drove drunk over a thousand times in my twenty-one drunken years.  I would get drunk and then use a car as a way to get to that next drink. 

I could not live without that next drink.  Even if I had to kill or be killed to get it!!  

Surrender

Surrender to God!  Accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior!  Ask him to remove the desire to drink from you each and every morning upon awakening.  Sobriety from this moment on can and will be your constant companion!!

The truth

Sobriety is a gift from God!  A way out when all else has failed.

A THOUGHT...

It was silly of me to think that serenity, joy, tolerance, forgiveness, health or friendship ever came from a can or bottle!!

Think BIG

I quit drinking because I knew that alcohol would one day land me in a 6x9 prison cell.  Deep in my heart I knew God had bigger plans for me than that! 

A thought...

I drank because after awhile that was all I knew.  Pain was pleasure, drama was king,  fear along with doubt dominated my day and joy was non-existent.

 

A THOUGHT...

After twenty-one years of drinking I found myself in a deep hole.  I remained there in agony until I allowed the power of prayer to rescue me.

A long time ago...

Doom and doubt where once a dreaded aftertaste.

I can see clearly

I look into the eyes of my children and see where sobriety has taken me.

A THOUGHT

Bad habits flow from a bottle and corrupt who we were created to be.

Worth saying again

Quiting drinking is one of the hardest things you'll ever do.  The only thing harder is dying a drunk!!!

PROBLEMS

With or without alcohol problems exist.  With alcohol the solution is more alcohol.  Without alcohol the solution is God's grace, love and the existence of true friends. 

Taking charge!

I take charge by putting God in charge!

So far away

After nearly 16 years without a drop of alcohol I am so far removed from what my life used to be.  My days of drunkenness, homelessness and hopelessness are a distant memory.  There was a time when I could not go 5 days without a drink!  And even though anger, fear and anxiety are still a part of my life, I am able to cope and overcome because alcohol is no longer in charge.

I take charge by putting God in charge.  Pure and simple.

Give recovery an honest attempt and soon you will forget what drunkenness is all about.

What more can I say

Grateful for sobriety and excellent health.  What more can I say?

A thought

Drunkenness, recovery, sobriety.  Desperation, exploration, rejuvenation!

In that order!!

Feel what I feel

Alcohol is drunkenness, anger, fear, depression, anxiety, doom and doubt.  There is no normal.  It is a slow, but constant downward spiral.

Sobriety is awesome!  It is love, joy, strength, courage, forgiveness, willingness and acceptance. 
Sobriety is God's grace!

Ship in a bottle

Back when I drank I was a drunk in a bottle.  Everybody wondered how and why.  Eventually, I crashed and shattered.

Today I know how I got to where I am.  I give full credit to God. 

Willingness

When the drinking stopped the anger flowed!  Without the bottle I found myself unable to deal with life on life's terms.  Pride, hate, prejudice, jealousy, loneliness and anxiety just to name a few followed anger through the door, and tried to take away my sobriety.
I quickly realized if I were to remain sober, I had to be willing, to put God in charge, and trust him more than I trusted myself.  With God in charge, anger and it's ugly partners, had little power over my thoughts.  My sobriety was able to blossom and flourish!

Willingness remains a powerful coping skill in my life as a sober alcoholic. 

Friday was the worst

My desire to drink was fueled by a pocket full of cash, along with two days of freedom.  This combo of desire, money and time usually led to laughter, lunacy, blackout and remorse.  The last being the most bitter of the four.
It finally took prayer and a total surrender to God to savd me from this awful cycle of self-destruction.  God put some amazing people in my path, people who lured me away from all of that self-destruction, and for that I will always be grateful and willing to serve!

A thought

All the alcohol in the world could never equal the joy of sobriety!

A thought

Live long, live hard, let sobriety be in charge!

Responsibility

It might not be our fault that we drink the way we do, but it is our responsibility to seek the help we need to overcome our constant desire.
That responsibility should start immediately!

Coping skills

One of the greatest things I walked away from treatment and A.A. with were coping skills.  Until I discovered coping skills I didn't have a chance against the first drink.  Treatment and A.A. are not always pleasant places to be, but they are necessary, and they are excellent places to develop life saving coping skills!  

A THOUGHT...

Sobriety is what paved the way for me to find sanity.  I tried for years to find sanity in a bottle.  Little did I know that sanity existed in a place that was not visible to the drunken eye.   

24/7

For me drinking was a 24/7 affair.  I was either drinking, thinking about drinking or trying to get well after drinking.
It stands to reason that if drinking was 24/7 don't we owe our recovery the same courtesy?

I've said it before

And I will say it again and again and again!

PRAY EARLY, PRAY OFTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Ask God to remove the desire to drink from you for that day.  Ask Him to place you in the path of those who you can help, and in the path of those who can help you! 

Little boy in the window

Little boy in the window, oh so sweet.  That little boy in the window is mine.  A gift from God.  A blessing, a product of sobriety.  Little boy in the window you teach me more than I could ever learn on my own. 

God's grace took me to a place filled with so much love that fear had no place to hide.  Sobriety is more than a day without alcohol.  Sobriety is love and love is God!  

The alcoholic mind

I would have spit in your eye for no reason other than I had some extra saliva.

That was me fifteen years ago, new to recovery, alcohol no longer flowing through my system.  I found that the best way to quell the anger and fear was to put others at the front of the line.

Simply put...I was at my best when I thought of others before myself.  When I helped others and left my own needs to God.

THE BIG 50!!!!!

I turned "50" yesterday!  The big five-O!  When I was thirty-four I was certain I was living my last few weeks.  Fifty was not even on my radar.  Forty was not even in my thoughts.  Things like a wife, children, a car, a drivers license, a home, a bank account, pets, even a wallet were not something that a guy like me thought about.

You see, I had surrendered to alcohol, at the age of thirteen.  And at the age of thirty-four, I was about to wave the white flag, and call it a life.  Instead, something inside told me to surrender to God!  I gave Him my pain, confusion, rage and fear.  I tearfully asked for direction, strength and forgiveness.  In return, He gave me hope.  I still carry that hope with me today at the wonderful age of fifty.

God is great!  God is good!  God has allowed me to live a life that alcohol viciously attempted to end.
  

A THOUGHT...

The longest journey I ever took lasted twenty-one years.  That is how long it took me to get up on my knees and ask God to remove that horrible, destructive desire to drink.

You are never to low to take a knee and talk to God.

To drink or not to drink...

To drink or not to drink?  To win or lose?  Eat or starve?  Laugh or cry?  Choke or breathe?  Work or waste?  Hope or hurt?  Joy or pain?  Friends or foe?  

To live or die is the real question question.  That question rests upon our willingness to go to God with our drinking troubles.

A prayer unanswered

There came a moment when the effects of my constant drinking were so painful that I prayed to God to die.  Fortunately that prayer went unanswered.  My desire to drink died.  My fear and constant worry died.  And, over the years, my anger died as well.

God knows exactly what He is doing, even when we don't.

End alcohol, not yourself

To end myself would not have ended my alcoholism.  Loved ones would have been eternaly sad and distraught.  I would have forever been viewed as a cold statistic.  The laughter of sweet children would have never existed. 

Today, I live a life of health, joy and well-being.  Alcohol has been absent from my daily routine for over a decade and a half.  The laughter of children and love from a wonderful wife is a gift I never could have imagined as a hopeless drunk.

End alcohol this minute and discover what awaits you in the realm of sobriety.       

I looked in the mirror

The most painful moment of my life happened when I looked into the mirror and saw myself as others had seen me for years.  For the first time I saw an alcoholic.  As painful as that moment was it only meant, that the healing had begun. 

A word about healing.  IT DOESN'T ALWAYS TICKLE!!

I see my ego...

I see my ego floating in a bottle of booze and I know something has got to change.  Unfortunately, that something is me!!

Sometimes the worst enemy we alcoholics have is ourselves.  It takes the compassion, heart and eye opening honesty of others to get us through recovery.

A sober thought...

The memory of my best drunk does little to disrupt the current joy within my heart!

A sober thought...

Forgive yourself, deny the bottle and love all who cross your path.

Before and after

Alcohol meant the world to me.

The weight of the world upon my shoulders does little to shake my sobriety.

The eyes of a child

My two children were born long after I sobered up.  They will never know me as a drunk.  And I, will never know them, as children of a drunken father.

My past is a collection of broken dreams, broken bottle and broken hearts.  My future is a dry run going for broke.

With God the sky is the ultimate limit.

Here's to hope!

Without alcohol I am so much more than the bottle ever allowed me to realize. 

I HOPE you realize what I am trying to say.

Big plans?

When every plan, scheme, hope or dream fails isn't time to give your plans to God?  I will if you will.

Drinking and driving

I am ashamed to admit it, but I have driven drunk over a thousand times.  Many in a blackout!  My drunk driving was a mechanical means of getting to that all important next drink.  I cared about nothing and no one while on my way to that next drink.

If you care, then please do not drink and drive.
If you do not care, then you ARE PROBABLY DRUNK.
Alcohol kills, because we alcoholics, allow it to do whatever it wants, whenever it wants to!

A formula

Prayer, fellowship, inspiration, gratitude, glory, praise, worship.  This is just some of the formula that allows sobriety to happen.  This is what I wanted to hear least when my drinking was at it's worst. 

What we least want to hear, is what we need to listen to the most.  

A THOUGHT

God heals, drinking kills and in between fear cripples.

Look out below

Each drink we take, leads us closer to a bottom so low, that only hell can exist below the depths, of our worst drunk.

It takes time

It takes some people a lot longer to heal. 

The long arm...

The long arm of alcohol reaches beyond the drunk and too often takes away the innocent.

When I drank my intentions were never to hurt, harm, lie, cheat or steal.  My intention was my next drink!!  But sometimes the road to that next drink is littered with harm, deceit, anger, abuse and even death.

The attitude

Gratitude is the attitude that leads one away from the bottle. 

Think about it...

Drunkenness kills.  Recovery heals.  Sobriety is a permanent oasis away from the bottle.

Get busy

Get busy living or get busy dying was the only choice I had back when the bottle rendered me hopeless.

A glorious path

I asked God for help and He placed many wonderful people in my path.  And now, he has placed me in yours.

A thought...

An alcoholic who never finds sobriety is like a flower that fails to bloom. 

Just a reminder

My works of poetry and fiction are available for download, free of charge at http://www.jaykolo.com/
These books are designed to enlighten and inspire!!

SOLUTION...

Pray early, pray often.  When I make this my golden rule my sobriety is strong.  I am not in charge, and alcohol is no longer in charge of me.  When I allow God to run the show I experience joy and a constant sense of well-being.

All you need is love & (sobriety)

"Love thy neighbor as thyself " 
The problem was the more I drank, the worse I felt about myself.  Loving thy neighbor was next to impossible. 
When we begin to put some distance between us and that first drink we start feeling pretty good about who we are.  Suddenly everything around us starts looking and feeling a whole lot better as well!

A thought...

Alcohol took me far, far away.  Prayer brought me back home.

A thought...

The beauty of each day was held hostage by addiction.  And so I thought to myself, this is life, as I shall always know it.

Grace

I often think how God has done so much for me, but it seems that I do so little for Him in return.  God's grace is awesome!!  If you sincerely ask GOD for the "desire to drink" to be removed from you He will do so.  Quit looking for the complicated cure.  Sobriety is yours for the asking.  God's grace is all powerful and so simple.

A day without a drink...

A day without a drink is a day filled with much more love than hate.

Recovery

Without alcohol I knew I could become somebody.  Recovery gave me the courage and direction to find out who that somebody was.

Complete honesty

Complete honesty is one of the greatest coping skills that creates distance between us and that ever dangerous first drink.

What it is...

Recovery teaches us how to live without alcohol.  Sobriety makes us wonder how we ever lived with alcohol!

Joy

I gave myself to alcohol and got nothing but misery in return.  Before it was too late, I found the courage to get up on my knees and introduce myself to GOD.  I felt my misery disappear along with the desire to drink.  Within no time at all, a new companion, became a constant in my life.  That companion was joy.
Thank-you GOD for guidance, love and most of all joy.

Prayer of recovery

For all the times I lied, I'm sorry.
For all the times I shouted, I'm without words.
For all the times I hurt those I love, I hurt ten times worse.
For all the times I stole, I'm ashamed.
For the gift of sobriety I'm more grateful than words can ever describe!!

Gifts

Sobriety was one of God's greatest gifts to me.  What I do with that sobriety is my gift back to Him.

5,640 days

5,640 days is a long time to go without a drink.  Especially since I would struggle to go even 5 days without one.  5,641 days ago my life was a complete disaster!   A dismal collection of drunkenness, fear, deceit and indecent thoughts, words and actions.  So dismal that I nearly ended it all.  So one moment, of one day, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted out to anyone or anything!!!  Little did I realize I was praying.  Praying for the first time in years.  1 day, 1 prayer has completely removed the desire to drink for the last 5,640 days.  But then again, who's counting?   

A dangerous place

One day I could no longer get drunk enough to silence the pain within.  That was the day alcohol abandon me.  I thought long and hard about suicide.  I quickly learned that I was too cowardly to die, yet I was to scared to continue living.  I was stuck in a horrible crevice between life and death.  I had no place to turn.  That was the night I found my creator.  That creator was God and I found out that night that He is always listening.  God heals when we are ready to lose our pain.

A quick thought...

Sobriety is free, but drunkenness will eventually cost you your life!

SOLUTION...

Pray early, pray often because it works, it brings you closer to God and farther from that disruptive first drink.

BECAUSE...

I follow God and try my best to serve Him because, at my lowest moment, I truly felt His presence when I reached out in prayer.  Too many years in drunken misery were spent trying this, that and everything in between.  When it became clear that time was running out I asked God to save me from the bottle and myself.  That was the last day I spent drunk and defeated.  God got my attention that day and everyday since then.

A time to drink

I drank when I was sad, anxious, lonely, happy and depressed.  I always drank.  I drank because after awhile it was the only thing I knew.  I did not know what a sober day felt like.  Over the course of time the occasional drink became an obsession.  Quitting felt like a distant planet or star.  It was something that I could not do on my own.  It took the help of others who shared my pain, fear and confusion!  I went to A.A. meetings and got angry on the inside.  I realize now, I was angry because deep down, I knew I was exactly like everybody in that room and alcohol would not allow me to admit that to myself!!   

Far from perfect...

After 15 years away from the bottle I am far from perfect, but I now operate out of love, where as in my drinking days everything I did was out of fear. 

Who I am

I found out what I was made of when alcohol was no longer my main ingredient.

SOLUTION

Asking God every morning to remove the desire to drink (for that day) is a great way to remain sober, while coping skills are being developed!

SOLUTION

When I thoughts of others more than myself the desire to drink greatly diminished!

Living the lie

Treatment for years was nothing more than a hot meal, a place to stay warm or hideout.  A secure hotel to quiet the buzz within my brain.  Treatment was never about recovery, until the day that the soothing effects of alcohol abandoned me.  That was when, I had to get away, from the person I had become. 
I woke up one morning and saw myself as others had seen me for years.  Recovery was the only option for survival.  It gave me the coping skills I needed to put permanent space in between me and the bottle. 
Treatment centers are not a place to hide out.  They are places that force us to see who we really are and how to co-exist with ourselves. 

This is what it's about

Drunkenness - recovery - sobriety.  If we find the courage to get into recovery eventually our efforts will take us to sobriety.

I have done very little...

I have done very little to stay sober for the past fifteen years.  I made a decision in 1995 to surrender and give my troubles to God.  He placed so many wonderful people in my path who showered me with hope, love and encouragement.  Now, it's time to give away what was given to me so freely.

A peaceful look

For years I had painfully remembered the look that came from my father when I showed up unannounced explaining that I, had been kicked out of the Navy.  I would see that look many more times over the next ten years or so.  That look was well deserved.  When I would choose to drink myself blind I would get that look from co-workers, employers, parents, friends, etc...

Years later however, by the grace of God I received a much different look from my Father.  It was a look that changed me forever.  A look I will never forget.  At the time, I had been sober for nearly six years.  I was now married, with two beautiful children.  Drama and dishonesty were no longer a part of my life.

As my father lay dying in a Central Florida hospital we had all gathered to see him one final time.  He was down to his final few minutes.  I took hold of his right hand and held it firmly hoping it would keep him from slipping away.  He then looked at me.  He said nothing.  He did not have to.  The look he gave me meant so much.  I felt his love and acceptance in my heart.  I knew that my being sober put him at peace and he conveyed that peace through his eyes.  He died moments later with that look on his face. 

Had I still been a drunk I don't know how I would have possibly handled his passing.  God was there when I asked to be sober on August 10th 1995.  God was also there on July 4th, 2001 when my father passed.  God is always there when we invite him into our lives!!

Responsibility

It might not be our fault that we can't stop drinking.  But it is our responsibility to find help!!!

The innocent

Sadly and tragically the long arm of alcohol too often destroys the innocent as well as the alcoholic. 

Not even close

Alcohols soothing effects are not even close to the warmth and security of God's presence!

HONESTY

If we are completely honest with ourselves and God no evil or addiction can survive within us.

The only one...

I drank because I could not stand myself.  I dropped out of school because nobody understood me.  My parents asked me to leave.  The military kicked me out too!  Employers fired me.  Longtime friends disowned me.  Girlfriends broke-up with me.  Society angered me.  My life was soggy and confusing.
Then, I unwillingly found God!  He understood, believed and blessed me with hope, comfort and love.  He was always there and will always be.  Through God's grace I found sobriety through the blessing of recovery!  

No end in sight

When I drank, killing myself was a dark, constant thought.  But to end it all abruptly would not have ended my alcoholism.  My alcoholism would have raged on in the hearts and memories of those who loved me most.  To live, struggle, fight and find permanent sobriety has given them more joy than I will ever realize.

One of the hardest things...

One of the hardest things an alcoholic will ever have to do is to quit drinking permanently.  The only thing harder is dying a drunk!

NOW!!

There are two directions we alcoholics can go.  Towards sobriety or towards our next drink.  The time to quit is NOW!!  Recovery and sobriety never, ever happen tomorrow.  When alcohol is in your thoughts and in front of you tomorrow never comes.